Sunday, 22 November 2009

Dumpers and Dumpees.....

Following an interesting tweet from a fellow Twitter fan the other day I started to think about dumpers and dumpees, but I also wanted to share a very funny text moment from Friday night.

My friend made an observation about men who think women are bitches when we decide not to go any further with them. We chat via the Internet, get to know a little about each other, and make the decision to progress to pictures but if a woman decides there is no 'chemistry' when she has seen it, she is branded a frigid bitch who wouldn't know a good thing if it slapped her! When a man rejects a woman she takes it with dignity and moves on, at least I know my friends and I always have. After all, its only a picture, and we can't all look like Julia Roberts. As my friend said, not every man on the planet is my cup of tea, and we totally understand if we are not exactly what he is looking for too. When we have been told we are 'not my type', or he has logged off and dropped off the planet, we know it's his loss, and feel sorry for him not realising what he's just walked away from, but we usually down a bottle of crisp white and laugh heartily about him, but never say anything hateful, there's simply no point. Why lose your dignity over a picture. But men? Not so much. They don't seem to like women who know their own mind, and decide not to take the conversation or meetings any further. Naturally we are all bitches and the character assassination from them kicks in fairly quickly, with insults about our looks and 'the reason we're single' etc. This always makes me laugh, but it strikes me as quite sad. Is it an indication of our society today? The men seem to think single women, or any woman in fact, should be grateful to be with them, thankful for the attention and thrilled that they are being taken down off that dusty shelf. But, when we decide we don't want to be dusted off by that particular specimen of male, we are nuts and want our heads looking at. When did men start thinking all women were desperate?

I realised this was happening last week, when I had been speaking to a hot, fit, nice (or so I thought) younger guy on the net. He seemed fine online, he was funny, sweet, considerate, attentive and always turned up on line when he said he would. Although he wasn't one of life's brightest people it was promising, and it was good fun getting to know him online. We covered all the usual small talk, what are you looking for, what do you do, what are your favourite films, what do you like to do with your spare time, etc etc, and as boring as that actually gets, he did seem interesting and funny. This was clearly his 'online persona'. It couldn't have been different from his real personality. Due to circumstances we spoke on line and via text but not on the phone for quite a while. As time went on, he talked more and more about his work and his friends. He became a little dull, I started having second thoughts about it, but I persevered. He started almost every conversation talking about himself, in fact he even got as far as not asking how I was before he started telling me about him and his day. His business was landscape gardening, so he was constantly banging on about gardening every conversation could, he talked about it so much he would have made Alan Titchmarsh nod off. But all along I kept thinking nice guy, not intellectual, not cultured, not well educated but he's running a business, he clearly knows what he's doing, so he cant be that bad.

Naturally, because of his profession, his days were always ruled by the weather, unpredictable as it can be, and for that reason, and because I had been busy, we had not managed to meet. We had agreed to meet last week, which went against my normal 'rules' I try to stick to, of never meeting someone face to face without speaking on the phone first, but we seemed to have been talking for so long I thought it would cause no harm. Unfortunately, on the day of our meeting, he was needed to do some work, so he called me the night before to apologise and reschedule for another day.

As I saw his number appear I had a momentary stomach flip and I thought 'gosh its our first conversation, how exciting'. Meeting someone new always holds this excitement for me, and every picture, every text message, every email and every call from someone new makes me have a little stomach flip (until I meet them and realise it wasn't worth it!!) :)

On this occasion though, the second I picked up the phone, and heard the heavy Cumbrian accent for the first time, I knew it was never going to work (ever). I appreciated the call, and his apologetic manner, and chatted with him, reassuring him that I didn't mind him cancelling. He didn't know that I was secretly relieved by it. He ended the call saying he couldn't wait to meet me, and we carried on with our evening. I got a text message about twenty minutes later apologising again, and telling me I sounded 'fabulous' and he would see me as soon as he could. Oh dear!!

We carried on chatting for another day and he seemed desperate to meet me, but as time went on I realised I was giving him false hope so I called it off, explaining that I didn't think we were well suited, and the timing was bad, and we clearly had problems getting together because of work etc. I wanted to tell him the truth but it seemed a little harsh, so I made my excuses, made sure he was fine with the decision, and moved on. I had deleted his number and had assumed all was done and dusted when I got a barrage of drunken text messages two nights later.

He started by demanding an explanation, closely followed by insults about me lying to him, leading him on and finally being too fat and old for him anyway!! I was patient, ignoring most of the texts but occasionally replying with a polite 'That is your opinion hun, I hope you find what you're looking for'. As I ignored a few more, the insults came thick and fast, ranging from ugly to 'I'm not surprised you're single' and 'You must be desperate for a man to be looking on that site for someone!' My ignoring him was clearly making him worse. Eventually when he asked me what the real reason was I decided I'd taken enough and bluntly told him 'I don't think we are intellectually matched, I don't think we have enough in common and your behaviour tonight has confirmed to me that we were never going to get along. We are from different backgrounds, but I'm certain you will find someone more on your level very soon, and I wish you every happiness, but there really is no need to be hassling or insulting me because you are showing your true colours and I don't like them. Please take my decision with dignity and don't text me again, thank you'.

Immediately I got back 'Snoby Biatch, R U saying Im dum?'
'No', I replied, 'I'm simply saying we aren't suited, but your behaviour tonight is making me question if you are being a little stupid, please just drop it now, I wish you well.'
A silence fell, no texts arrived for two hours, then the all time classic text appeared on my phone.
'I def. not think!!'

I smiled to myself, deleted it and got on with my evening :) (And no folks, before you ask, its not a typo, letter for letter that is exactly what he said) :)

Why do men have to behave so badly when a woman is honest enough to say 'We're not suited'. You'd think a guy would be grateful to find that out before he goes to the expense of meeting in person.

Women have to be dignified when they are told the truth, if they behave as he did they are labelled as 'unstable' or 'psycho', but a man can voice his disappointment in hideous insults but is never chastised for it, well here it is!!

To all the men out there who may not be 'suited' to a new potential partner, handle that rejection with dignity and pride, show some manners and never call her names just because she chose not to date you. You clearly didn't think she was 'old' or 'fat' when you were begging to meet her, so don't say hideous things to her after she has decided to call it a day. Trust me guys, calling a woman names is NEVER going to make her change her mind, fall into your arms and say 'silly me, what was I thinking, you're perfect'!!!


  1. Oh Karen Baby I do agree - we're called Bunny Boilers if we were to act like that but it's seen as OK for idiot men to do so!!!

    And for the record it's his loss not yours - I HATE pople who can't spell or use shorthand in texts...

    XOXO as always,


  2. Hahaha so right :) Or is that

    Roflmao ur ryte bby!! :)

    Aarrrghhh!!! lol

  3. Speaking from my own experience this isn't purely a male trait, although I'm sure it is much more common amongst men.

    I'd suggest that part of the reason for this is that in this area of activity it is the female of the species who holds all the aces. There are many many more men out there looking, than there are women who would openly relish being found.
    Men, especially men of a certain age and/or cultural upbringing are more accustomed to being in control themselves. Thus......

    But every reaction like that makes it harder for the rest of us.

  4. Oh goodness!! What a prat!! That's just bruised ego isn't it, and i suppose everyone suffers at some point but it's how you deal with it that makes the difference :-)

    LHC xx