Thursday, 21 January 2010

The Fear.....

I am frequently asked why I date married men, or unattainable men, and why I don't find 'one of my own'. I was asked again today and it made me think about it. You know I've tried the single-man thing, even recently, but I always seem to return to the attached men and the life I love. I have never considered finding a man is going to be a solution to any problems I may have. I don't have 'the fear', the bizarre feeling some women, of a certain age, experience when they find themselves alone. I haven't 'needed' a man but I have 'wanted' one occasionally. It is a state I have been in for many years, I love the peace and quiet of solitude. I admit I miss the occasional hug, cuddle or more, but thankfully I am self sufficient, independent, happy in my own skin and at peace with the knowledge that I like who I am.

I don't 'need' to be fulfilled by a man, he isn't going to 'complete me' because I am fairly whole to begin with. I understand men far too well to want to have one in my life on a permanent basis. I completed myself and now I am looking for additional adornment. The scatter cushion to my furnished room, the fabulous bracelet to my perfect outfit. Instead of being the main course, he is to be an occasional addition, a dessert complimenting a gourmet meal.

I've seen the desperation in women around me, the urgency to be loved, adored, and picked off the shelf. They have gone to incredible lengths to find a mate, from Internet dating to loitering around their local supermarket, late at night, with a lasagne ready meal for one tucked into their basket. They have asked friends and family to set them up and spent hours combing the personal ads in the local paper. But their desperation is palpable. The men could almost taste it.

Their need to find a man has taken them to places most people, especially women, should never go. For instance, Tracey has spent most of her time searching sex sites for approval. Convinced she isn't attractive enough to get a man on her own merits, she has offered to suck them off or bend over the bonnet of her car with an audience. She has offered this 'service' to complete strangers assuming they wouldn't want to meet her any other way. She visits a local lay by three times a week. Prearranged with several men as her 'regular appearance', but also advertised across many sites on the net, she meets up with between 15 and 40 men a night.

I recently asked her why she does what she does, expecting to hear that her love of all things phallic, or her uncontrollable sex addiction, means she has complete control over her behaviour. Her answer shocked, and saddened, me. "I hope one day that a guy I suck off in the lay by will like me enough to go out with me". It was almost laughable. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, but that's genuinely how she feels.

I decided to set her up on a date, to help her on the way to some form of normality, and at the last minute she cancelled, cold feet getting the better of her. When I asked why, she said "I've not been on a date for years, I've not had a face to face conversation with a man for years. I wouldn't know what to say. I only know how to suck a cock and screw strangers". At this point I knew she was a lost cause. No matter how much coaching or training I did, to teach her how to behave around men, I would never get her out of the mind set of thinking the man of her dreams would be alive and well in a lay by with his cock firmly in his hand. Because we have all met our potential future partner while they have been mid wank, haven't we!!!!

Another friend of mine used to offer to pay for everything, on the first date and forever more, in the hope she would snare a man who wanted to stay longer than a few weeks. Her reasoning was "If I take the financial pressure of dating away from him then maybe he will be able to stay long enough to see what I'm really like". As sad as her logic was, she did find herself a partner, and 18 months into the relationship he disappeared, with every penny from her bank account, driving her new car, the one he'd encouraged her to buy. She is currently single and now too broke to repeat the pattern, but I doubt she has learnt by her mistake.

Desperation does dangerous things to women. My single friends can't understand why I don't 'need' a man in tow, and because of that they miss out on the treats and pleasures that come with a relationship with 'understanding'. It has meant that I have been wined and dined in the finest restaurants, been spoiled with presents, been flown abroad for holidays, and had more laughs, with (and at) dates, than most people could hope for in a lifetime. So, while I sit silently in my cottage, warm and relaxed, typing this, listening to my choice of music, I answer those who think I'm not 'normal' by being a single mistress, and I say how is it not normal to want the life you choose to have, to want what makes you happy and to want to be your own person, and not have to change for anyone. That's what everyone is looking for, but 'the fear' makes people settle for whatever comes along, even if it's not what makes them happy. The fear of being alone, the fear of being judged for making alternative choices and the fear that their true self isn't worth having.