Thursday, 21 January 2010

The Fear.....

I am frequently asked why I date married men, or unattainable men, and why I don't find 'one of my own'. I was asked again today and it made me think about it. You know I've tried the single-man thing, even recently, but I always seem to return to the attached men and the life I love. I have never considered finding a man is going to be a solution to any problems I may have. I don't have 'the fear', the bizarre feeling some women, of a certain age, experience when they find themselves alone. I haven't 'needed' a man but I have 'wanted' one occasionally. It is a state I have been in for many years, I love the peace and quiet of solitude. I admit I miss the occasional hug, cuddle or more, but thankfully I am self sufficient, independent, happy in my own skin and at peace with the knowledge that I like who I am.

I don't 'need' to be fulfilled by a man, he isn't going to 'complete me' because I am fairly whole to begin with. I understand men far too well to want to have one in my life on a permanent basis. I completed myself and now I am looking for additional adornment. The scatter cushion to my furnished room, the fabulous bracelet to my perfect outfit. Instead of being the main course, he is to be an occasional addition, a dessert complimenting a gourmet meal.

I've seen the desperation in women around me, the urgency to be loved, adored, and picked off the shelf. They have gone to incredible lengths to find a mate, from Internet dating to loitering around their local supermarket, late at night, with a lasagne ready meal for one tucked into their basket. They have asked friends and family to set them up and spent hours combing the personal ads in the local paper. But their desperation is palpable. The men could almost taste it.

Their need to find a man has taken them to places most people, especially women, should never go. For instance, Tracey has spent most of her time searching sex sites for approval. Convinced she isn't attractive enough to get a man on her own merits, she has offered to suck them off or bend over the bonnet of her car with an audience. She has offered this 'service' to complete strangers assuming they wouldn't want to meet her any other way. She visits a local lay by three times a week. Prearranged with several men as her 'regular appearance', but also advertised across many sites on the net, she meets up with between 15 and 40 men a night.

I recently asked her why she does what she does, expecting to hear that her love of all things phallic, or her uncontrollable sex addiction, means she has complete control over her behaviour. Her answer shocked, and saddened, me. "I hope one day that a guy I suck off in the lay by will like me enough to go out with me". It was almost laughable. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, but that's genuinely how she feels.

I decided to set her up on a date, to help her on the way to some form of normality, and at the last minute she cancelled, cold feet getting the better of her. When I asked why, she said "I've not been on a date for years, I've not had a face to face conversation with a man for years. I wouldn't know what to say. I only know how to suck a cock and screw strangers". At this point I knew she was a lost cause. No matter how much coaching or training I did, to teach her how to behave around men, I would never get her out of the mind set of thinking the man of her dreams would be alive and well in a lay by with his cock firmly in his hand. Because we have all met our potential future partner while they have been mid wank, haven't we!!!!

Another friend of mine used to offer to pay for everything, on the first date and forever more, in the hope she would snare a man who wanted to stay longer than a few weeks. Her reasoning was "If I take the financial pressure of dating away from him then maybe he will be able to stay long enough to see what I'm really like". As sad as her logic was, she did find herself a partner, and 18 months into the relationship he disappeared, with every penny from her bank account, driving her new car, the one he'd encouraged her to buy. She is currently single and now too broke to repeat the pattern, but I doubt she has learnt by her mistake.

Desperation does dangerous things to women. My single friends can't understand why I don't 'need' a man in tow, and because of that they miss out on the treats and pleasures that come with a relationship with 'understanding'. It has meant that I have been wined and dined in the finest restaurants, been spoiled with presents, been flown abroad for holidays, and had more laughs, with (and at) dates, than most people could hope for in a lifetime. So, while I sit silently in my cottage, warm and relaxed, typing this, listening to my choice of music, I answer those who think I'm not 'normal' by being a single mistress, and I say how is it not normal to want the life you choose to have, to want what makes you happy and to want to be your own person, and not have to change for anyone. That's what everyone is looking for, but 'the fear' makes people settle for whatever comes along, even if it's not what makes them happy. The fear of being alone, the fear of being judged for making alternative choices and the fear that their true self isn't worth having.


  1. You are absolutely right, on many many topics. It is refreshing to hear from a woman who is self sufficient, and as you mentioned not desperate, which not only can be sensed by men a mile off, but also eats into the enjoyment women get from the other 'non man' related areas of their lives, which is a shame. What I mean is many women I know, fail to see or enjoy the fabulous achievements in their lives, career, friendships, homes etc because they feel that nothing is of value unless there is a man in their lives.
    You live your life by your choices, as you mentioned in the way in which you have decided, and absolutely nobody can devalue, or degrade that and fair play to you. I also think that in saying that, it is something of a shame, that it means that by living your life the way you do, you devalue and degrade the life decisions that another woman has made. Please dont get me wrong, I am not slagging you off or anything, I just think that while you are right, oftentimes an affair can strengthen and help a marriage, sometimes it results in nothing but misery, and that is a real shame, for everyone. No judgement honestly!! Just my thoughts, and the blog is fantastic reading!

  2. Sarah, I totally agree with you, and value your comment. I understand the misery that can be caused by an affair, and that is an unfortunate bi product, usually of a careless man. But I suppose many women marry the wrong man, due to the fear, they assume they 'need' to be married to conform with what is expected and when they sign the paperwork they realise they are in something for life. I know if I was in a relationship that made me unhappy, and I knew it was for the rest of my days, I wouldn't necessarily put my full effort in to it.

    Maybe, and its just a possibility, and a generalisation, the unfulfilled husbands look elsewhere because their wives married them for the wrong reasons. And the wives who look for something more realise they also married for the wrong reasons and want more from their lives.

    A friend of mine once confessed that she married because she felt that was the next step, and it was expected, by friends and family. Her husband had several affairs and she didn't mind, because she said she didn't love him that much anyway, and it took the pressure off her. She is disappointed with herself, the choices she has made and with her relationship. For that reason she no longer makes an effort to please him, why should she when he is looking elsewhere, but she agrees she married because she was terrified of being alone, and he asked!!

    I often wonder, when a man is telling me about his wife making no effort with herself, if she married due to the fear of being alone, and now she doesn't care about the rest of her life. It must happen so often, and what a shame that is.

    Thanks again for your compliments Sarah and thank you for reading :)

  3. Too true, and its sad that so often women and men marry because they feel they have to because everyone deserves fulfillment in their lives, but often they pursue a conformist path, because they have been conditioned to only believe in the 'happy ever after' (i blame disney!!!)

    Keep it up, well done

  4. Hahahaha I blame Disney too :) Lol, thanks for making me smile :)

  5. Fear makes people settle ... I suspect I know a few people to who this applies.

    What a refreshing view! I met a man years ago who knocked my socks off and having spent the past few months getting to know him on a more intimate basis I had wondered if this wonderful, but at times taxing, relationship would encourage me to be less independent, and perhaps more needy but alas no. It appears that whilst I think I may want to see more of him, it's on my terms not his, when I'm free not him, and that is not the basis of a successful relationship in my view. But then my very strong view at the moment is that I don't need him, i want him, and that they are two very different things.

    As always, great post!

    LHC xxx

  6. The layby girl is one of the saddest things i have heard in a long time. I feel really sorry for her.