Sunday, 17 January 2010

January...

I will freely admit I'm climbing the walls!! I've been stuck in the house, out of action, since before Christmas! I had to get Christmas out of the way, and all of my usual male 'friends' were, naturally, caught up doing family things. Then I was sick for several days and couldn't have been charming and fabulous if you'd paid me. And now, the gods have been against me. I've been snow-bound, in my tiny village, and it just seems to be getting worse. It's endless, and there seems to be no relief where we can all get back to some normality. Thankfully I work from home, so I don't have to worry about getting into an office, also this is the quietest time of the year for my business so I had already planned January for a relaxing writing month. Catching up on paperwork but allowing myself some time to edit the novel and possibly finish it.

Admittedly I have had plenty of time to do this, and I've been making excellent progress, but sadly I've had nothing to blog about because no men can make it through and I can't escape to somewhere glamorous and warm.

January's are usually like this for me though. I find the men in my life have the nightmare busy Christmas, with the constant demands forced on them by the Mrs, but then January is busy at work, because they have two weeks of work to catch up on. So I find quiet times at the beginning of the month, building back to normality by the third or fourth week.

But also I've discovered that all the hot men seem to be in hibernation, with hangovers and glowing red bank accounts. I can't write the whole month off as a sex-free zone just because men are taking three weeks to recover from doing nothing for two weeks! In recent newspapers, it has been reported that the bad weather has increased new membership applications to all of the dating sites on the Internet, including IllicitEncounters, having their busiest week in their history last week, during the severe weather warnings in place, countrywide.

For the last three years of dating, my January has been a little bare to say the least. It is, of course, scientifically proven that men find us more attractive in the summer months, for obvious reasons. I never feel sexy in Ugg boots and wet jeans! It's hard to try to feel sexy in this weather, and when we are all carrying a little post Christmas bloat and a bikini line that resembles Russell Brands hairdo, simply because over the holidays there are no dates on the horizon, we are broke and looking for ways to keep warm, even if it includes starting at insulating our foofs! :)

Also, when it comes to my house, its virtually impossible to feel remotely sexual. You apparently can't make love in a big fleecy nightie or wyncyette pyjamas, I asked and its not a good look, but its totally necessary attire in one of the coldest houses in the country. My cottage is hundreds of years old. Tiny, with low ceilings, monster thick walls, but a very poor heating system throughout, original sash windows that rattle and blow a gale in even the slightest wind, doors that used to fit, once, but now need a big, stuffed, sausage dog draught excluder all the way around it, not just at the bottom.

Its not a good temperature to ask a man to reveal all, knowing full well that anything that was interested and standing to attention would be crawling back inside his body within seconds of the icy chill hitting him. If he is too excited, there is a distinct possibility that the tiny drop of pre-cum, appearing on the tip of his rapidly shrinking penis, could form a mini icicle! So for that reason I don't ask men to come to my place. I have a couple of suitors with 4 x 4s who claim they could drive to Antarctica, and getting to mine would be a walk in the park for them, and although I'm tempted to invite them over, because of this terrible itch I need scratching, I don't fancy getting down and dirty, naked, in a freezing cold house. Having the electric blanket on when you fall into bed together can be a bit of a passion killer. After all, its only meant to be pensioners who have those (even though I love it and recommend that every single girl should have one!).

I've had no end of offers this month, but I've found myself backing away from any new opportunity because my body has been in no shape for sharing. It's sods law that these fab men haven't come into my life when I am at my summertime sexiest. My body hasn't seen daylight for months. Getting naked in front of any man for the first time is always scary, but in January it's truly terrifying. When you're in a long term relationship the sex is a given, so you're always ready. Even if you let your grooming slide, it won't matter, cos he loves you. But sex when you're single or a mistress, is unpredictable and much more high maintenance. You have to be ready at the drop of a hat in case he calls to arrange an impromptu meeting.

According to my male friends my concerns are in vain. While women everywhere are worrying about flattering lighting, or pubic topiary, or fake tan streaks, or the shade of Daz bluey whiteness our cellulite is now resembling, apparently he doesn't notice things like that. He's just grateful there is a woman in front of him and he's thinking 'Wow, she's actually naked and I'm about to have actual sex with her!'

I wonder if women are actually more shallow than men. I always assumed women had the body image issues because men expect us all to look like Cheryl Cole but I find myself being incredibly choosy and only dating what I describe as 'hotties'. A friend of mine had a one night stand recently, but he had such substantial man boobs she was tempted to suggest he borrow her bra. But he didn't notice that she'd missed a waxing appointment because he was so pleased to be getting some. But its no wonder men are making more effort with their beauty regimes, we are expecting more. Maybe its time girls took up the old male mantra of enjoying the moment instead of getting side tracked with body issues and how much pubic hair we have.

Who knows this could be an amazing January, when eventually I get out, possibly my sexiest yet, and if I stop worrying about my pubes or post Christmas pale look, I might get some new recruits to the world of the Serial Mistress. I just don't ever want to resemble a wife!!!

2 comments:

  1. "...when we are all carrying a little post Christmas bloat and a bikini line that resembles Russell Brands hairdo..."

    Never has a truer word been spoken! But I still refuse to believe that you don't look totally glamorous in your fleecy jammies! :)

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  2. Of course I look glamorous :) A girl has to make an effort even in jammies, but I doubt I could pull in them, and I definitely don't want them to be 'first sexual impression' with a new hot date!! lol :) But thanks anyway, I'll make more effort to look extra glamorous just for you now :) xxxx

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