Those lost loves...

I'm curled up in bed, sick, but thankfully I have my TV and DVD to keep me company (and sane), and I've just finished watching 'An Affair to Remember'. I've still got tears in my eyes, and I don't know anyone who doesn't shed a tear for this fabulous film. It's definitely an 'afternoon, curled up in bed' type of film, and if you haven't seen it then you really must. It's amazing, I love it. Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr at their best.

Every time I watch it I think of the men I have loved in my life. There haven't been many, I don't fall in love easily, and have pretty good control of my feelings. But a film like this doesn't stop me thinking of the loves I've lost and those relationships that didn't have the opportunity to reach their full potential due to circumstances, timing or fate.

I'm sure in a 'Parallel Lines' life I'm happily married, settled down, barefoot and pregnant, or I'm floating around on my yacht in the Mediterranean with a figure to die for and a tan to match. But this is the life I'm living or at least I'm aware of, and the one you're reading about, where timing and fate has definitely had a huge part to play in any outcome.

I'm sure if Dad hadn't died when I was 21 I wouldn't have found and married my ex-husband, almost a replica of my dad, with the same values, and arms that made me feel safe and secure. He was older than me so he was ready to take things easy, just as I was raring to go. No doubt if we met now we would have been together forever, but timing simply wasn't right. The first married man I dated had been stood at the altar on the day I actually left my husband. Truly rotten timing. My first serious relationship after my divorce was plagued with his feelings for his ex-girlfriend, he was still in love with her and no doubt had I met him 12 months later we would have been fine. He wasn't over her when we met so I felt like Princess Diana, there were three of us in the relationship. Had he taken more time to deal with his feelings, before he started dating me, we may have had a chance, but as it was, I had to give up because it all became too much like hard work. Various subsequent relationships have had similar problems, bad timing, too close to recent break ups, work commitments, family issues, etc. but I've always believed that if it's right, exactly how it should be, then nothing will get in the way. Maybe that's another reason I date married men, I can remove the timing and fate issue from the equation :)

I'm sure we've all been in the situation, when we think back through our lives and wonder how things would have turned out if timing or fate had been kinder. I guess at this time of the year we all reminisce, and being stuck in your bed, ill, adds to the opportunity.

So now I'll settle down to watch Singing in the Rain for the third time in as many days, and dream about how different my life would have been if I'd been born a generation earlier and had bumped into Gene Kelly. That was how it was meant to be all along, but fate wasn't playing ball then!!