Thursday, 25 February 2010

Nature to stray....

I used to think that an affair meant there was something wrong in a marriage or that the wife had somehow 'failed' her husband. I'm snorting with laughter at my own naivety on that. It's in a man's nature to stray.

I can honestly say that every man I know, without exception, has at one point or another been unfaithful to a girlfriend or wife. Friends, neighbours, colleagues; I can't name a single man who hasn't cheated.

A friend of mine is a high class escort. Occasionally she has tried to get me into the business but I have refused. I don't want any part of that side but she has confirmed that 85% of her clients are married or attached. And the 15% who are single or gay have told her that they would continue to see her, or another escort, should they get hitched or settle down at some point.

We have discussed at length the similarity between escorting and being a mistress and I have to agree, there is a fine line. As one of my lovers has said, 'All men pay for it in some shape or form, be it presents, hotels, dinner or time'. I suppose the escort option is quicker, and more of a 'sure thing', but there is no affection or care involved, but for the men who are looking for a quick fix it is ideal. There is no 'admin' involved in the relationship with an escort. The mistress (or certainly me) expects consideration, communication and tending to like a precious flower. If I don't get watered regularly then I wither and die, or at least I move on to another flower pot!

Being a mistress has confirmed my belief that whatever a woman does, there's a very good chance that her partner will stray. Some of the men I see have what one might consider an 'excuse', be it a wife who's permanently angry, a wife who hits him or is verbally or emotionally abusive, or a wife who doesn't like sex. A few have other reasons for staying in an unhappy marriage, such as a disabled child, or a business they couldn't bear to see sold for a divorce settlement. I feel only sympathy for those men. They don't see a way out and so they see me as an alternative to breaking up their marriage.

Yet there are men I have met over the years who have no real reason at all to be seeing a mistress, and most profess to loving their wives. They have happy marriages, a good sex life, a wife who loves them, and whom they love. I've got one at the moment who wants to meet me but who's busy telling me about his lingerie shopping trips with his wife, how she loves choosing things he'll like and how he loves treating her to them, how she likes lace, she wears silky nighties in bed, how she only started shaving in her 40's etc. I'm appalled at the intimate details he's telling me - she'd be mortified, just as I would be if he were my partner. If his sex life is this good what on earth is he doing on Illicit Encounters, talking to me along with many other women, no doubt. Maybe it's the novelty of trying someone else, maybe he needs someone to massage his ego because she's been doing it for 20 years, maybe he has such self esteem issues that one woman telling him he's attractive and virile is not enough or maybe he's just full of shit, and not doing any of those things with his wife and is simply living in a fantasy land. Whatever the reason, I don't plan on meeting him. If he is so vocal about his wife, and clearly very indiscreet when it comes to intimate details, I don't particularly want to be the next detailed story he will tell the other potentials in the harem he's building.

I'm too good a mistress for someone like that and I prefer very few details about the other half and certainly no details about intimate shopping trips or her pubic topiary. Many a time men have tried to treat me as the unpaid escort, something I refuse to allow. Those who don't agree with what I do describe me as an unpaid hooker anyway, and I suppose to the uneducated eye and the small minded, that is how it will look. I'm offering the friendship, the affection and occasionally the sex that they would hope for from an escort with just a few more strings or conditions attached, but does that make me any different from a high class escort? Apart from no money changing hands of course. As a mistress I am loving and kind, attentive and loyal, and I make them feel good about themselves. Those things aren't an effort - they are who I am, even with my friends, but in addition to that I am not one for asking personal questions, gossiping, prying into private business, and I have never had a problem walking past a hotel receptionist with my head held high. I suppose I should put those traits to a good use and instead of being just a mistress, I become a great mistress.

When it comes to sex, my experimentation and open mind knows no limits. My lovers, when they have earned the right to that position, can ask of me all the things they have never dared ask their wife. Even talking about it is usually off limits at home but certainly suggesting something 'kinky' is totally unacceptable. I have christened every imaginable location over the years; indoors and out. Usually the men I meet are a little lost and world-weary. I enjoy watching the transformation in them, and realising I'm the reason for their body language and demeanour changing. They speak of how bored they are with their life, but with me they seem to rediscover their inner child and see the world through fresh eyes, and of course resurrect their flagging libido, which is bound to give a man a spring in his step.

They usually profess to their life with her now being bearable. I sometimes wonder if that is just an illusion, a smoke screen they are throwing down in order to make me happy and justify their behaviour, but whatever the reason, I have always been happy with every situation I have got involved with, and probably always will, so long as boundaries are not crossed and mistakes are not made.

On the occasions where a man has told me his marriage is over and he is about to divorce I have not done what the typical mistress has done, and swooned at the thought of finally making him mine. I haven't started buying Bride magazine in the hope that I would be next. I have been around with supportive and wise words but have taken everything with a pinch of salt. The number of mistresses pining over men, who have been leaving for years, is ridiculous, and that is what creates the sad picture we all have of the other woman. Sitting patiently waiting for the day he finally leaves, but we all know he never does. It is something married men have used as a carrot since time began. Dangling the opportunity to run off into the sunset together, one day when all the pieces are in place for him to finally go. What most mistresses don't realise is every married man's jigsaw has at least two pieces missing from the box, one of which is his spine! The necessary pieces to complete the puzzle are long gone, down the back of a sofa, never to be seen again, so that puzzle will never ever be finished.

I realised this many moons ago and for that reason I never fall in love with any of my married men, and I always have more than one, so if something goes awry I am not left heart broken, battered and bruised emotionally, and unable to recover from a break up. I have my head well and truly screwed on and love my life as a Serial Mistress, and wish I could encourage many other mistresses to feel the same. Love is not an emotion that should ever be involved in an affair. It should be fun, exciting, breathtaking, and stomach-churningly thrilling, but it shouldn't hurt and certainly shouldn't end up as love, because that's where the mess starts, the pain starts and no good can ever come of that situation. No matter how many times he says he will leave, it won't happen. It's the odd occasion, in stories that being 'Once upon a time....', that everyone lives happily ever after. The married man is usually very good at lying, hiding and deceiving, not just from his wife but also many things from his mistress. They are like onions, with several layers of information they have either omitted or lied about gradually surfacing, and no matter how many times the mistress walks away and says enough is enough, he will always find a way back in, to turn the tables, and have her forgiving him in time. Maybe it is true that love is a form of insanity.

Men will describe their home life as an old carpet slipper, and no doubt their wife feels the same, but we all know how difficult it is to throw away something that has been so comfortable for so long. Men are especially bad at throwing things out, they hate change, and as much as they may despise the comfort and boredom at home, it works for them. It's not an exciting life with his family but that feels safe and secure. If he leaves for the mistress it is the unknown he is heading in to. She may look amazing once or twice a week, she may have no stubble, she will have beautifully manicured hands and feet, stunning clothes, stockings and heels, but when reality actually kicks in, will she snore, will she want to veg in front of the TV in her pyjamas watching soaps, will she go off sex if it is not illicit, infrequent and exciting, will she stop working out at the gym and put weight on, will she start wearing flannelette nighties to bed and will the stockings be shelved for special occasions? The man never knows, and has no crystal ball to see, if the mistress, once he has become hers, will overnight become the wife?

I have, over the years, met many men who have been on their 2nd or 3rd marriage. They have left the first wife for their mistress, married her, then left for another mistress or started an affair. When a man leaves, which is incredibly rare, for the exciting mistress, before long she becomes the wife, for the cycle to start all over again. And the men who are terrified the mistress will turn into the wife are the ones who will never leave. The fear of the unknown, the fear of change, after all women don't stay fabulous and exciting forever, do they?

I don't dislike men, in fact I love them, a lot. The men I date tend to fit a certain mould - clever, successful and usually married. Sex is admittedly a major part of it, but it's not just about sex, despite what people think. Nor is it about looks. I'm attractive, size 14, 36F, with long wavy blond hair and big green eyes, but I'm no supermodel, far from it, but that's not why men choose me. I'm not the stereotypical mistress, I don't fit the image of the blond bimbo looking far better than the wife, slim, tall, well-groomed, false boobs, resembling Barbie. In fact, most of the time I'm not even better looking than the wife. I might take care of myself better, have immaculate nails painted red, makeup always done, nice clothes, always in stockings and suspenders, but I don't necessarily look better. I take time to take care of myself because I have the time. I don't have kids running around under my feet, I don't have masses of housework to do, and I don't have a man to pick up after.

The sad fact is that a long-term partner will never compete with a mistress, especially a single one. Wives don't want to give hours of oral sex, or listen to their man talk about work for hours without taking a breath. Wives get tired, have stresses, get PMT, have bristly legs occasionally etc. I don't think many women could maintain a mistress level of care in a permanent relationship. The energy levels a man expects from his mistress are superhuman. Sometimes I feel exhausted after several hours of being utterly fabulous. I sleep well before, and after, a date. It is certainly not a level of fabulousness I could offer day in day out, so maybe even I would, one day, turn into a wife if I settled down with a man.

Their wives, for the most part, have lost interest in them, so what they want from me is someone who makes them feel special, someone who makes them feel clever and attractive. They want someone who will listen to them, who'll take an interest in what they do, who'll care if they're sad or ill. Its a combination of lover and friend and mother, I think, that all-embracing, non-judgemental affection. If I could sum up what they want most, it's unconditional lust and appreciation.

One thing that strikes me about the men I date, some of them seem to have married 'beneath them' in some way. That sounds like a horrible phrase but I don't know how else to put it. They have married women who are less affluent or educated backgrounds. These woman, since their marriage have either become ladies who lunch or they continue to work in caring professions - they are primary school teachers or nurses - and they carry on working, not out of financial need but because they enjoy it.

I don't understand why it is these men choose wives with whom they quickly discover they have nothing in common. I can only assume that they were drawn to 'nurturing' women who they thought would be good mothers. I suppose if you're an alpha male, then you don't necessarily want another one at home. Perhaps it's also a case of the higher your IQ the less likely you are to find a mate if you're female. It seems deeply sad somehow that whilst these men have moved on since marrying, in terms of continuing their education, building their global empires and developing sophisticated tastes in all things, their wives have been left behind. The men wanted their wives to be good mothers, but now they've become that, they find them boring and narrow-minded. I think that's why they like me - they've forgotten what it's like to have interesting, exciting and fun pillow talk, with someone who regards them as an equal rather than a superior.

I'm struck by the fact that none of my dates have been men who wouldn't struggle to get plenty of women. They are witty, charming and attractive men, who have never had any trouble chatting to women. Yet in an odd way they seem to realise I am not the typical mistress. I'm less risky than a full blown love affair, I'll never ring up their wife in a rage.

They are all successful in their chosen fields and they tend to be highly educated. Most are from corporate backgrounds, banking or the private sector, or they have their own companies. All are in positions where regular travel does not arouse suspicion. They range in age from thirties to late fifties. They do tell me a little about their marriages and their children too, but much of what they tell me is about work. They ask my advice on all sort of things, from what to buy their wife for Christmas to whether they should take over a rival company.

My dates like the fact that they can talk to me as an equal, in that my background is the corporate world from which most of them come. I think they like the fact that they can be honest with me too, and the tell me things that they could never tell their wives or colleagues. My background, appearance and education mean that no one will ever suspect me of being anything more than a good friend. What my men like in a mistress - wit, kindness, charm, intelligence and independence - are not what they want in a wife. They like an equal in the bedroom and in the boardroom, but they don't want one at home.

However if the wives threw in a little more love and affection, listening and attention, their man would probably be happy compromising on everything else. A married man is easily pleased, and if the wife stepped up the game a little more, women like me wouldn't be necessary.

I know I have been criticised in the past for 'blaming' the wife, but I have always conceded that it takes three to have an affair, but following recent press events, my point that men have it in their nature to stray seems to have been proved. You simply need to look at the wives of Tiger Woods, John Terry and of course Ashley Cole, to realise that there seems, on the surface, nothing wrong with the women they are married to. However, we are not sure what is going on behind closed doors, we have no idea if the men are bored, feeling insecure or in Ashley's case, challenged by his wife's success. We don't know if they have little, or no, sex life, or if they are living with a lack of support or affection. But we also know that these men have all the resources necessary to put things right, far more than the general 'man on the street'. They can pay for the best couples counselling, they can buy presents to please her, they can have impromptu holidays to spend precious time together, they can hand the children over to nannies so they are not feeling the pressures of parenthood, but still they stray.

So, maybe on occasion it is the wife's fault, maybe on occasion it is the temptation but in their way, or maybe, the fact is, a man has it in his nature to stray, and they always will do.


  1. I just found your blog and started reading.. but this post really hit me. I think you may have a great formula there.. that works for you. You seem happy and un-wanting.. so KUDOS to you.
    I met and fell in love with a married man and am in affair mode .. I sure hope my puzzle doesn't end up incomplete..and he finds that spine piece, although I am over 50 now and.. being alone isn't so scary anymore.
    Thanks for the great read.. I love your honesty! ~Jen

  2. Thanks Jen, and thank you so much for reading my blog, I'm thrilled you enjoy it :) Welcome xxx