Sunday, 10 October 2010

Is he a cheat?...

Do you suspect your man is playing away? I'm asked all the time how to spot the signs if he isn't happy at home and is looking elsewhere. Lipstick on his collar is no longer the only way to catch him out.
  1. He ignores texts: No one ignores texts. Especially not men: they get so few that every beep elicits a Pavlovian rummage in the jeans to check if a) Spurs have scored or b) a parent has died. Not checking it suggests he knows who sent it - especially if it arrives at a weird time. And is he rejecting a lot of calls? Or has he stopped casually leaving his phone on the coffee table? Worry.
  2. His dandruff has come back: Not cast-iron proof on its own (unless you DNA-test it and find it isn't his). But think about it: dry scalps can be easily treated with medical tinctures. But not if he's showered away from his own bathroom a couple of times. Unfamiliar shampoo - whether it be her Pantene or the watery stuff in a cheap hotel - will bring fresh flurries of flakes.
  3. He's better groomed: Nothing as blatant as, say, a new haircut. Instead, look for more 'private' grooming - like finally tackling that thicket of chest hair. Or the old schoolboy trick of trimming his pubic hair near the base of his penis to make it seem larger. You know how big it is already - who's he trying to impress?
  4. His mobile is squeaky clean: Of course, only the most paranoid lunatic checks her mans phone for clues're holding it right now? Oh, right! Check the sent folder. Has he left his flirtations in there? Congratulations - you're married to an idiot. But if he's emptied it, that's just as suspicious. Now look at his call history. Some men think they're showing Jason Bourne-level cunning if they list their bit-on-the-side under a man's name - check for multiple calls to 'Dave'. And if he's deleted his history, you have to ask....... why?
  5. His house is tidier: (Obviously if you don't live together.) Men, as you'll be aware, rarely change bed sheets - usually only when they need shattering with a toffee hammer. But illicit sex leaves stains and smells. So look out for fresh sheets on an unusually regular basis, or an incongruous bottle of Febreze. And if you're married - if he EVER changes the sheets, there's something amiss. Men are incapable of that chore in the house.
  6. He's less hassle: Is he suddenly very chilled out about where you are and who you're with? How refreshing! Is he no longer bothered you've stayed out late? What a liberal attitude. And is he seeing more of his own friends - but with elaborate reasons for doing so? Hmmm, funny that.
  7. He calls more: A benefit, you may think - but these are just on-the-hoof exchanges of pleasantries. Why? Because you're on his mind, for starters. But more importantly, he's just checking you are where you said you'd be and not about to land on his doorstep.
  8. He's poorer: As Tiger Woods would no doubt testify, affairs are expensive. Not only is he paying for meals, drinks and hotel rooms to impress his new flame, he might also be buying gifts for you to ease his guilt. or maybe he does just prefer the Tesco Value range for his weekly shop.
  9. He's chubbier: Different from normal weight gain, is he carrying extra timber? Affairs tend to involve drinking and eating out, as well as skipping 'gym time' for a rendezvous. The phrase 'love handles' may never be more apt.
  10. Your sex life gets better: Unhelpfully contradictory, yes. But is he suddenly trying a new position or foreplay technique? Then he's either learnt it from YouPorn - or someone is teaching him. Or you could just have a great guy who wants your sex life to sizzle.

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