Wednesday, 13 June 2012

My side....


There are so many more people visiting my blog since the press hit the fan recently.  Many have had a lot of hideous, insulting comments to make about me, and I have to accept that, but I thought I'd start from scratch for any new ones who don't really know me and why I do this.  If you already despise what I do then this won't make a difference, but if you just wanted more background info about me, maybe it will help 

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This is my chance to set the record straight. I'm sure it won't silence the haters, but I never claimed to be a Jackass Whisperer. There will always be people quick to judge on looks alone, quick to jump to conclusions based on a headline, regardless of whether it is true or not, and quick to form an opinion without knowing all the facts. Gossip sites wouldn't be gossip sites, and newspapers wouldn't sell so many, if those people didn't exist. But thankfully, my blog gives me a voice to give you the facts. Most will still hate me, and hate what I do, despite what I write today, and you are all welcome to that view, but if I manage to change the opinion of just one person then I will be satisfied.

I have been dating married men for six years. And by dating I mean exactly that – DATING. I originally went on the dating website for married members simply because I had met so many supposedly single men on 'normal' dating sites. They claimed to be unattached but dropped off the planet every evening and weekend. How many of you reading this now, even the ones who despise me, can honestly, without a shadow of doubt, say they have never dated/kissed/flirted with another person's spouse or partner? Either knowingly or in complete oblivion, I can guarantee a huge proportion of readers will have done something with someone who wasn't completely available.

I chose the site so I would know what I was getting in to. And as I preferred my single life, and every single man I had dated wanted something serious too soon, the married man fitted into what I was looking for at the time. I thoroughly enjoyed my single status, and still do. I could do what I wanted when I wanted and had to answer to no one; something a lot of people initially struggled to understand, but ultimately envied. I also realised I didn't NEED a man to complete me. I was secure and confident, with an active social life, lots of friends and a great family, so I didn't feel there was space for a full-time man. I still wanted the company of a man occasionally, but certainly didn't 'need' one.

The first married man I met slotted into my life perfectly, as a companion and a great friend. We spent time together once every couple of weeks until he moved away, and we parted. We are still good friends now but don't get chance to meet up. I moved on to another married man from the site, and our arrangement worked just as well as the last. It left me time for the things I wanted to do, and gave him the ego boost he needed to go back to his wife with a spring in his step.

As time went on I met more married men via illicitencounters.com and became good friends with many of them. Occasionally the chemistry wasn't quite what I expected, or circumstances/distance/work commitments invariably got in the way, so eventually over the years it amounted to over 50 men. Now and again something developed and we became more than friends, but I can assure you it was certainly nothing like the 50 men quoted in the original post about me.

I am, and always have been, incredibly choosy about my men, and I take my time over anything that could progress past friendship. How many single women reading this can say they have been so choosy with single men, either from the internet or in bars? Over the six years I can remember, fondly, each lover I have had. Would I be able to do that if the numbers were over 50? Can you remember all of your single lovers over the years? Honestly?
In the last few days it has made me question what actually constitutes cheating. I have dated many men but not bedded them as it has been claimed, but does that count as an affair? Where does the affair begin? In his head when he makes the conscious decision to join a website to look for a mistress? Or the minute his penis enters any part of the other woman?
In the press, infidelity can vary from indiscretions on Twitter, through exchanging naked pictures via text message, to Bill Clinton 'innocent' oral sex, and Tiger Woods' serial adultery. But where, in reality, does the line actually lie? And from the mistress perspective, when do I go from being a normal, single woman getting to know a man, to the evil mistress who should be vilified? How many of you have flirted a little with someone at work? Or smiled sweetly at a stranger across a bar? Does that make you a mistress? How many have got to know a man and found out later he was attached, but carried on the friendship anyway? How many can say they don't have at least one phone number of a married man saved on their mobile? Does that make you all mistresses? Or are you just innocently friends with a married man? This is my point exactly. The majority of the time I am just that – friends with a married man. Rarely does it become more serious or physical, so can you honestly still call me a whore, slut, slag, slapper, trailer trash, c*m dumpster?

Yes, I know sleeping with married men is shocking, but I have never and will never wreck any homes. If anything gets serious, I end it. If he gets restless at home and sees me as his escape route, I end it. And if his wife ever finds out and questions him, I end it. I want no part in any destruction or upset, so I keep my feelings in check, and enjoy the man for his charm, sophistication, intelligence and wit. We each know where the boundaries lie and never cross them, and that is how it will always be.

Judge me for what I do, I understand that will always happen. Don't judge me just for what I look like – we all have different tastes, and I do OK thank you. Wouldn't the world be a dull place if we all looked alike? Judge me for coming forward to talk about this, but understand that I am not bragging. I'm simply highlighting an alternative lifestyle, and trust me, I'm not the only single woman in the world doing this. But don't judge me for dating so many men, can you all say you are completely innocent when it comes to your previous dating history?

As the saying goes:
He who is without sin cast the first stone.

I am not here to justify myself, or back out of some bad press, but this is MY site, so I can use it to rant, to explain, to laugh and to vent.  It's up to you if you read it with an open mind or not. 



4 comments:

  1. I want to be one voice saying Amen, sister, testify. I have been there, done that, and enjoyed every moment. I had my heart broken by more than one single guy carrying around too much baggage, and i found married men so much easier, a way to have companionship without the burden of expectations. Men who want to cheat may or may not be heading out the door anyway, but it wasn't ever my desire to hasten the end of their marriage. You could say i provided a service, by shoring up the egos of men of a certain age, maybe by illuminating what they were missing. Who knows. I wasn't there to fix anything, just provide unconditional positive regard. (which was so often what they WERE missing as it turns out.)
    However. You're trying to change the minds of (mostly) Americans with narrow minds and warped views of marriage and sexuality. Good luck with that! I think you rock.

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  2. Being one of the married men who chooses staying married but seeing other people on the side i think you've got it just about right. If anyone i was seeing started to get feelings that way it ends just as quickly. No one needs that hassle in their lives ever.

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  3. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. And to the anonymous commenter, not all of us Americans are narrow minded but I agree that most are. I'm currently in a polyamorous relationship and one of my partners is married. I'm no home wrecker. I understand that his wife comes first and I don't do anything to make his life more difficult than it already is. My long term partner that I live with is supportive of my other relationship and knows there is enough love to go around. I know that my married partner isn't going to leave his wife for me nor do I want him to. Its an arrangement that has worked for nearly a decade and those in my family that know are accepting and supportive. Their outlook is that it works for us.

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  4. I'm soon to be divorced because my husband cheated.My story Is that my husband cheated,with a woman like yourself who he met on a dating website.Neither of them wanted a commitment,it was a no strings type relationship.However,I had a problem with the sneaking,lies,sex with someone else,spending money on someone else and using up the little time he had with her.I am not my husbands owner.He is free to do anything he wants,provided that this was part of our agreement when we got married.I did not sign up for this and if I knew that he wasn't a one man woman,I wouldn't have married him.He doesn't have an answer as to why he did it,I work,cook,clean,have sex,dress up,listen to him,take an interest in his hobbies.That to me is obviously not enough,otherwise he wouldn't have done something he knew I wouldn't accept.His mistress emailed me and explained their relationship and was surprised that I was still going for divorce.The two of them thought that if they show me that it wasn't serious,I would stay.Unfortunately this is the reason that cheaters are discreet.Its because their other half won't accept it.I also needed an outlet,some rest,a chance to get away.Instead,I was left with 3kids whilst he's out unwinding.Now that we are separated,he can see just how much I've done for him and sacrificed For him.He can't understand why I won't give him another chance but I can't be with him after he slept with someone else whilst married to me,no matter how much I loved him.The two of them wrecked a marriage.I don't hate his mistress or any other woman embarking on this path.But i feel it's childish for a person who feels they have problems in their marriage to try to fix it by creating another problem.Theyre obviously not together as he has now decided that his family are worth his time,always trying to spend time with his family.Unfortunately it is too late.I am glad that he finally sees how important his kids are and uses that time,but for me,it is over.When he signs the papers,I will move on.The only consolation for me is that I found out whilst still young and even though I have 3 kids,I don't feel that no other man will want me as I've received some attention already.I don't feel sorry for him,he created this situation all by himself.I wouldn't say I'm a doormat but I doubt he'll find a woman who'll put up with half the stuff I did.Good luck to you all and I hope you don't think I was attacking you,I was just telling my story.

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