Thursday, 26 November 2009

How loud is acceptable?...

I've spent the past three days listening to the monotonous oooos and ahhhhhs of my neighbour and his lover. The scary thing is, I live in a small village in the North York moors, in a very old cottage, with incredibly solid walls. I shouldn't really be able to hear anything with 18" thick Yorkshire stone between us, but I can! I have heard her before, and very occasionally I've heard him, lets say I certainly know which religion he follows! :) I have cruelly joked with him about her noises, making him believe, from a female perspective, that they are false and she is clearly faking it! :)

After listening to him pleasure her repeatedly for three days I was, firstly, frustrated as hell, cos I should have been doing it too, instead of listening to her! Secondly, bored of hearing the same ooo ooo ooo ooo ahhhhhhh, over and over, with no change of tone, no alternate vocabulary, no screaming 'F**k me harder big boy'. And thirdly, I was so impressed at his incredible stamina, considering he is 63 years old! She is 42 by the way, so I have full respect for him :) And apparently that is all without the help of Viagra - or so I am led to believe. He manages to keep this performance up, regularly, and I know, from our weekly catch up over coffee, that the 42 year old is not the only filly in the stable!

I asked him this morning, following my three sleepless nights, if he could ever hear me when I'm 'at it'. I'm not sure if the grin gave it away or not, but I'm finding it hard to believe that his 'No, absolutely not' was the truth! If I can hear her then I'm pretty sure he can hear me, because, I'll be frank, I'm not the quietest when I am in the throes of passion.

I have curbed my 'enthusiasm' a little more lately, since a former lover had a fit of giggles following a particularly vigorous evening of fun, and announced that I 'sounded like a porn film'!!! I was mortified, and puzzled, because I thought men actually preferred that, but apparently not! I must say, to all the guys who are reading this right now, please, don't ever, for any reason, fall about in a fit of laughter, when you've literally just pulled your dripping cock out of someone. It doesn't make a girl feel particularly special. Having fun while making love is great, and it should be a giggle, but laughing uncontrollably is unacceptable!

Anyway, I haven't, as yet, had any complaints from the neighbours, but as they are both men I'm not sure they would complain or even comment, and they are probably wearing away a small ridge in the wall where they are pressing the upturned glass. But in all the homes I've had I've never heard anyone complain about or even discuss my vocal ability.

I was recently reading in the paper about the couple who had been arrested for their excessive noise during sex, and this wasn't their first time. The woman already had an ASBO for it, and broke that within two days of receiving it! The Environmental Health Inspector recorded the sound and found it reached unacceptable decibel levels, even through a brick wall. Is it the ultimate crime when an Englishman is disturbed in his castle? Would we complain about music being played too loud, or is it simply because of the nature of the noise that we have an issue? If they had lived next door to someone who was having just as much sex, or was turned on by the sound of someone having sex, would they have been prosecuted? Is it possible they scored for a prudish neighbour and any level of sound would have disturbed her?

So I'm clearly going to have to keep the noise down when I'm 'busy' in the bedroom. I don't want to be arrested or get a reputation in the village for 'sounding like a porn star'. I already have enough reputations in this village, without adding to them :)

I will have to get a decibel meter to check how loud the 42 year old is getting when she is faking it! :) It would make the village mutter even more than usual if a pensioner was arrested for excessive noise during vigorous sex.

But I'm curious to hear from my followers what they consider is loud when it comes to the cries of passion. I've asked several friends if they make any noise during sex. Most of my friends have kids and have learnt to keep it down, and one friend who served his time in the army, and then in prison, definitely learnt how to keep the noise to an absolute minimum when he was pleasuring himself and that has passed over to his sex life with his partner. In fact, he told me, he makes love in total silence.

I'm not sure I could bear that. I'm vocal, I love my partner to be vocal, and not just the monotonous oooos and ahhhhhs, but the dirty talk, saying how it feels and of course the 'F**k me harder' orders :) So how loud is too loud? What is acceptable and do you like to be quiet or noisy? I'd love to know if I'm unusual and if he was justified in laughing heartily and saying I sounded like a porn star! :)

Sunday, 22 November 2009

It never stops....

The abuse never stops, peoples opinions never change, no matter how much I explain what I do, no matter how many times I say I don't wreck families, no matter how many times I try to help those who don't understand what and why I do it, to see that I cause no harm, still the abuse continues. I get offensive mail from people, and now I'm even getting abused on Facebook! Ah well, I suppose these things will always happen, because those who are quick to criticise tend not to be intelligent enough to see both sides of an argument. Apparently I'm a 'sad old slapper' with no life, that's refreshing don't you think? :) But being criticised for the spot I do on Adrian's show on TalkSport is unacceptable. I go on there because Adrian asks me to. We have a great time, a laugh, a chat and we help people with their problems. We help those with issues they can't necessarily talk to anyone else about, and we broaden the minds of the listeners who may never have come across some of our subjects, its educational but most of all its great fun. I always knew I would be leaving myself open to criticism, no matter what form of media exposure I get, but I'm always gobsmacked at how critical complete strangers can be, even when they have been given all of the facts.

I suppose I'm getting used to it now, but it still doesn't make it any nicer. I won't stop what I'm doing just because someone says 'Stop it you slapper', because I'm pretty sure I'm happier with my life than they are with theirs. Too many people lash out at those who are living their lives how they WANT to, as opposed to how they need to. My life is mine, and always will be, and because of that I will take the abuse and harassment on the chin and it will change nothing, so bring it on, one and all, do your worst, it still won't stop me!!! :)

I'm happy with my life because its mine, are you happy with yours??!!?

Dumpers and Dumpees.....

Following an interesting tweet from a fellow Twitter fan the other day I started to think about dumpers and dumpees, but I also wanted to share a very funny text moment from Friday night.

My friend made an observation about men who think women are bitches when we decide not to go any further with them. We chat via the Internet, get to know a little about each other, and make the decision to progress to pictures but if a woman decides there is no 'chemistry' when she has seen it, she is branded a frigid bitch who wouldn't know a good thing if it slapped her! When a man rejects a woman she takes it with dignity and moves on, at least I know my friends and I always have. After all, its only a picture, and we can't all look like Julia Roberts. As my friend said, not every man on the planet is my cup of tea, and we totally understand if we are not exactly what he is looking for too. When we have been told we are 'not my type', or he has logged off and dropped off the planet, we know it's his loss, and feel sorry for him not realising what he's just walked away from, but we usually down a bottle of crisp white and laugh heartily about him, but never say anything hateful, there's simply no point. Why lose your dignity over a picture. But men? Not so much. They don't seem to like women who know their own mind, and decide not to take the conversation or meetings any further. Naturally we are all bitches and the character assassination from them kicks in fairly quickly, with insults about our looks and 'the reason we're single' etc. This always makes me laugh, but it strikes me as quite sad. Is it an indication of our society today? The men seem to think single women, or any woman in fact, should be grateful to be with them, thankful for the attention and thrilled that they are being taken down off that dusty shelf. But, when we decide we don't want to be dusted off by that particular specimen of male, we are nuts and want our heads looking at. When did men start thinking all women were desperate?

I realised this was happening last week, when I had been speaking to a hot, fit, nice (or so I thought) younger guy on the net. He seemed fine online, he was funny, sweet, considerate, attentive and always turned up on line when he said he would. Although he wasn't one of life's brightest people it was promising, and it was good fun getting to know him online. We covered all the usual small talk, what are you looking for, what do you do, what are your favourite films, what do you like to do with your spare time, etc etc, and as boring as that actually gets, he did seem interesting and funny. This was clearly his 'online persona'. It couldn't have been different from his real personality. Due to circumstances we spoke on line and via text but not on the phone for quite a while. As time went on, he talked more and more about his work and his friends. He became a little dull, I started having second thoughts about it, but I persevered. He started almost every conversation talking about himself, in fact he even got as far as not asking how I was before he started telling me about him and his day. His business was landscape gardening, so he was constantly banging on about gardening every conversation could, he talked about it so much he would have made Alan Titchmarsh nod off. But all along I kept thinking nice guy, not intellectual, not cultured, not well educated but he's running a business, he clearly knows what he's doing, so he cant be that bad.

Naturally, because of his profession, his days were always ruled by the weather, unpredictable as it can be, and for that reason, and because I had been busy, we had not managed to meet. We had agreed to meet last week, which went against my normal 'rules' I try to stick to, of never meeting someone face to face without speaking on the phone first, but we seemed to have been talking for so long I thought it would cause no harm. Unfortunately, on the day of our meeting, he was needed to do some work, so he called me the night before to apologise and reschedule for another day.

As I saw his number appear I had a momentary stomach flip and I thought 'gosh its our first conversation, how exciting'. Meeting someone new always holds this excitement for me, and every picture, every text message, every email and every call from someone new makes me have a little stomach flip (until I meet them and realise it wasn't worth it!!) :)

On this occasion though, the second I picked up the phone, and heard the heavy Cumbrian accent for the first time, I knew it was never going to work (ever). I appreciated the call, and his apologetic manner, and chatted with him, reassuring him that I didn't mind him cancelling. He didn't know that I was secretly relieved by it. He ended the call saying he couldn't wait to meet me, and we carried on with our evening. I got a text message about twenty minutes later apologising again, and telling me I sounded 'fabulous' and he would see me as soon as he could. Oh dear!!

We carried on chatting for another day and he seemed desperate to meet me, but as time went on I realised I was giving him false hope so I called it off, explaining that I didn't think we were well suited, and the timing was bad, and we clearly had problems getting together because of work etc. I wanted to tell him the truth but it seemed a little harsh, so I made my excuses, made sure he was fine with the decision, and moved on. I had deleted his number and had assumed all was done and dusted when I got a barrage of drunken text messages two nights later.

He started by demanding an explanation, closely followed by insults about me lying to him, leading him on and finally being too fat and old for him anyway!! I was patient, ignoring most of the texts but occasionally replying with a polite 'That is your opinion hun, I hope you find what you're looking for'. As I ignored a few more, the insults came thick and fast, ranging from ugly to 'I'm not surprised you're single' and 'You must be desperate for a man to be looking on that site for someone!' My ignoring him was clearly making him worse. Eventually when he asked me what the real reason was I decided I'd taken enough and bluntly told him 'I don't think we are intellectually matched, I don't think we have enough in common and your behaviour tonight has confirmed to me that we were never going to get along. We are from different backgrounds, but I'm certain you will find someone more on your level very soon, and I wish you every happiness, but there really is no need to be hassling or insulting me because you are showing your true colours and I don't like them. Please take my decision with dignity and don't text me again, thank you'.

Immediately I got back 'Snoby Biatch, R U saying Im dum?'
'No', I replied, 'I'm simply saying we aren't suited, but your behaviour tonight is making me question if you are being a little stupid, please just drop it now, I wish you well.'
A silence fell, no texts arrived for two hours, then the all time classic text appeared on my phone.
'I def. not think!!'

I smiled to myself, deleted it and got on with my evening :) (And no folks, before you ask, its not a typo, letter for letter that is exactly what he said) :)

Why do men have to behave so badly when a woman is honest enough to say 'We're not suited'. You'd think a guy would be grateful to find that out before he goes to the expense of meeting in person.

Women have to be dignified when they are told the truth, if they behave as he did they are labelled as 'unstable' or 'psycho', but a man can voice his disappointment in hideous insults but is never chastised for it, well here it is!!

To all the men out there who may not be 'suited' to a new potential partner, handle that rejection with dignity and pride, show some manners and never call her names just because she chose not to date you. You clearly didn't think she was 'old' or 'fat' when you were begging to meet her, so don't say hideous things to her after she has decided to call it a day. Trust me guys, calling a woman names is NEVER going to make her change her mind, fall into your arms and say 'silly me, what was I thinking, you're perfect'!!!

Tuesday, 17 November 2009

What constitutes an affair?...

An article as seen in the Daily Mail - ok, not the greatest paper in the world, we know that from my own article, but still an interesting piece about what constitutes an affair.

I had planned on writing a blog post similar, and was interested in my readers views, but you're all welcome to read this one and I'll work on mine and post it soon.