Tuesday, 26 May 2009

What's your Sex Deal-breaker?

Poor bedroom manners, bad hygiene, G spot ignorance... It only takes one small sexual slip up to flick our 'off' switch.

I was in bed with my 'then' boyfriend. We were having sex and he came first. Then, within seconds, he climbed off me, got out of bed, sat at his computer and started writing an email.

"Erm.... Hello? What about me?" I asked.
"Oh," he replied airily, "finish yourself off."

That, folks, was a sex deal-breaker for me.


Let me explain. In our relationships we have dos and don'ts. First we have the ideal list, the things we'd really like from our partner if we lived in a perfect world (do cook our meals, do buy us Chloe handbags and fabulous shoes, don't fart in bed, and don't consider your ability to burp the Match of the Day theme tune a talent worthy of Britain's Got Talent!).

Then there's the most important list - the list of what we require to make us happy with a man (sense of humour, kindness, generosity, intelligence, consideration, passion).

Finally, there's a sex list. Men aren't aware us girls have this list, but they probably have their own version (much smaller because sex is sex) with a couple of vital requirements that will turn them off. Our list means that if he doesn't deliver (or does deliver the negatives) then he's history, no matter how sexy he is. Our sex deal-breakers or SDBs are there to make us feel physically and emotionally satisfied.

SDBs are different for everyone. From a straw poll of my friends I found we all had our own particular issues. They included:-

'finish yourself off' (selfish = doesn't give a shit = see ya)
'very small penises' (they say size doesn't matter - but what can you do with a mini mushroom?)
'very hairy backs' (its nice to sleep with a man not a cuddly toy)
'condom issues' (no shag is worth dying for)
'not getting an orgasm' (What's the point???)

They were all different, but there was one constant, and we all agreed cleanliness is next to godliness. In other words, if you want a bit of this goddess, some cleanliness is in order.

My friend agreed. "I went out with a grubby guy, his flat was a mess, and the first time I stayed over I had to ask him to brush his teeth. He acted surprised, like I was asking a big favour. In the morning we had sex, then he went to work. He didn't even shower!!! He was dumped. I made an effort for him, so why shouldn't he?"

Another friend commented. "Orgasms should be as essential for the girl as the guy! He should try his hardest to help you have a good time in bed. If he doesn't care about you having fun then that says a lot about him as a person."

For the most part, we can train men out of their bad habits - teach him what pleases us and even drag him into the shower. But the most important SDBs are the deeper, more emotional ones. One of my deal-breakers is any reference to previous girlfriends or, more importantly, the wife, in bed. The old "it always worked for XXX" routine is deeply unattractive and shows a lack of sensitivity.

Another SDB is the booty call. I don't want to be the girl who comes to mind when he's sitting in the pub with his mates and thinks "I fancy a shag, I'll call Karen". Its to do with my self respect, and I think men should treat me like a princess. I'm not grateful to get a guy, I think 'lucky them' to get me!

I am a romantic at heart, and another SDB for me shows that. I clearly think I live in a film most of the time, I want the romance. If a man seems distracted or bored in the bedroom then they can bugger off. I want that 'world revolves around us' feeling when I'm having sex. Maybe that's why I date married men because I get that feeling all the time. I demand the attention, and single men can't keep up that momentum.

Our SDBs do change over the years. When I was younger, my checklist of dos included getting it often with lots of fun thrown in, now of course it is more about feeling wanted, cared for and secure. I'm after physical and emotional satisfaction as opposed to frequency and quality. Closeness and caring are essentials on the list now. 10 years ago, the don'ts list would have read 'short, ugly, teeny peeny and unadventurous in bed' but now, although I prefer my man to be attractive, I'm not as hung up on looks - experience has taught me that a pretty face doesn't necessarily mean sexy. Attitude and charisma and of course intelligence count for much more. And as for size? Well yes, a chipolata isn't going to bring tears of joy to my eyes, but I've learnt that 'bigger' men often rely solely on their size and make no effort, whereas 'smaller' men can be very attentive.

Of course I still want some adventurous loving, combined with the 'making love' stuff too. I don't want a man to be better acquainted with my cervix than my surname, but that probably comes with age, as I know myself better than I ever did, and I like myself more each day. My SDB list of don'ts would now read 'unreliable, selfish, disrespectful and not loving'. I now know what I need (and deserve) to make me happy and that includes the cuddles, the close friendship, the caring, the adoration and the respect.

So we know we have lists and why, but what do we do with that knowledge? If a man is guilty of an SBD or two, should we strike him out? Absolutely! When I was young I could compromise, but not when I'm older. There is no point wasting my time on a man who isn't going to make me happy. I prefer to smile about any relationship or friendship I have. If any man makes me frown or wonder what I'm doing there then I prefer to be away from it. Life is too short to hang on to a relationship that doesn't please you in every way.

You could say this was shallow, that deal-breakers are an excuse to avoid intimacy. But I disagree. They're a way of sussing out your compatibility with someone, of maintaining your standards and being true to yourself. You have to know what you like and expect because that is going to ultimately make you happy.

And if sex with a man isn't making me happy then I'm better off finishing it instead of finishing myself off :)

Monday, 18 May 2009

Dating signs.....

It's so frustrating when you don't know if your date is shy, a bit distracted or if they are just not that into you. These warning signs and tips can apply to men or women, so watch for them next time you're on that hot date you're convinced is going really well :)


Foot tapping
If your date is shuffling or tapping his feet, be alert. This can be a sign he's bored or uncomfortable. If you're sitting outside on a freezing day, bear in mind he may be trying to warm himself up!


Wide eyes
Your new date is not coming out of her shell – quiet answers paired with an inability to make eye contact. If you get the chance, check out her pupil size – if they're dilated then she likes what she sees. Just make sure you're not sitting in front of a poster of a baby or kitten.


Crossed arms
People cross their arms in front of their chest as a self-defensive mechanism and is often used to prevent people getting too close. If your date has crossed their arms and has their feet pointing away from you, they may be mentally imagining going somewhere else.


Smile
So she's giving you a big smile - looks good, doesn't it? Beware, as smiling is often used to mask nervousness or boredom. Make sure her smile reaches her eyes, otherwise it's most likely a fake.


Lateness
Your latest date is always keeping you waiting for longer than 30 minutes – he's just one of those disorganised late types right? Perhaps, or maybe he just has better things to do. Bring the subject up with him and if he keeps being late, it's time to trade him up for someone who wears a watch.


Talking
If your date spends the evening chatting away, you may think it's a good sign. Make sure you have a chance to get a word in edgeways on your next date and see if they listen to you, otherwise you could find they are only interested in themselves.


Mobiles
When your first date sits down and plonks his mobile phone on the table between you, be aware you may come second to his social or work life. Unless he's a doctor on call or looking after a sick relative, he doesn't need to spend ages on the phone during your date – it's a signal he's not that interested.


Dress sense
His hair could do with a wash and he has food all over his shirt, but you think he's gorgeous anyway. If you keep dressing up for a date and he keeps dressing down, he may not be that bothered. Ask him to a swanky restaurant and see if he takes it up a notch.


Nervousness
Why does he have sweaty hands, keep fidgeting and regularly looks away from you? The most likely reason is that you make him nervous. Unless you're shouting or threatening him, this is a good sign that he fancies you. Be kind and tell him you like him too.

Sunday, 17 May 2009

A Single Nightmare.....

I had to tell you about a most hilarious date I went on a few months ago. I was planning on keeping it to myself, because I wondered if it was my fault I was attracting nutters from all over the world, but I thought I would share it with you, and ask if this is 'normal' behaviour, am I just being too picky? :) At this point I have to say he was single - not my usual choice but I thought I would try the single market to see what I was missing and if, in fact, I was making a mistake just dating married guys.

I agreed to meet him in the car park of a local pub. It was broad daylight, and we were meeting during working hours so we would both be dressed accordingly. He was a bank manager, and had told me to look out for a brand new BMW 5 series. I thought clearly he's doing ok for himself, he must be intelligent, ambitious, successful, all traits that I find attractive. We had chatted briefly on the phone, chatted online about mundane, boring things, the usual small talk, nothing in depth, nothing saucy, nothing specific, just the usual likes, dislikes and families.

I found his car and pulled in next to him. Climbed out of the car and tapped on his window. He was buried in a magazine and hadn't notice me arrive, but when he saw me by his door his face lit up and he jumped out of the car with the enthusiasm of a child on Christmas morning. He gave me a quick peck on the cheek, took my arm and proudly walked into the pub. We ordered drinks and went to sit outside, it was chilly but the sun was out, and you know what the Brits are like when the sun surfaces, even if it is 5 below :)

We sat down at a cast iron bistro set, the kind with a filigree surface, see through if you looked hard enough. As I sat down the skirt of my suit rose up a little, from above my knee to mid thigh. It was, by no stretch of the imagination, obscene or trashy, but from his position he noticed the very bottom of the top of my stockings. Just as the pale fabric turns into a lace top, a fraction of an inch was showing just below my skirt. I realised he had noticed and I readjusted my skirt, but by then it was too late. He started panting, almost hyperventilating and he could hardly speak. He was mumbling "Oh my god ....... my god ........ stockings, you've ...... got .... oh my god ... stockings on..... oh my god!" I couldn't help the corners of my mouth twitching, convinced I was about to laugh out loud, I sternly said "Pull yourself together man, its just stockings!". At this point, thinking it could get no worse, he started rubbing his thighs. At this point you should have a mental picture of Vic Reeves on Shooting Stars. Hyperventilating, stuttering and rubbing his thighs, remember - He's a Bank Manager! I waved my hand in front of his face to break his gaze through the table, and told him to behave or I would walk out. He finally calmed himself down and we attempted a 'normal' conversation.

We finished our drinks and he asked "What shall we do now?" I offered to go for another drink and he shocked me by saying "No, I meant are we going to do it at your place, cos you're clearly up for it, you've got stockings on!!" Yet again, the corners of my mouth twitched, I was dying to shout 'are you for real?' but I calmly explained that I wear stockings every day, and they are not to 'pull' a man. If he wanted to continue the date we could have another drink, if not then I would be leaving. He meekly got up and went to the bar, leaving me precious minutes to send the 'emergency' text message to my best friend. A while after he returned with the drinks my phone rang, with my friend in hysterics, crying about her failed relationship, about finding her boyfriend screwing the baby sitter and could I go to pick her and the kids up. She is a talented actress and made sure it was just loud enough for him to overhear.

I made my excuses, finished my drink and got up to leave, very apologetic and insisting we should do this again. Clearly a gentleman was under the surface of the bizarre, pushy, panting, perv and he offered to walk me back to my car. I accepted, and we left via the garden, passing the bouncy castle with several children happily leaping around screaming.

As we crossed the car park he said "Ohh you haven't got your present!"
"Present?" I asked. "There was no need for a present!" I was beginning to wonder if he was trying to redeem himself for his bizarre behaviour. How wrong I was.

We got to the car and he produced the biggest banana I have ever seen. Not a comedy, inflatable banana, but a regular, shop bought, mother of all bananas. It was enormous, the biggest banana I'd ever seen. God knows where he managed to find it. I looked at him with a very puzzled expression on my face, confusion mixed with curiosity. I don't even like bananas. I was searching my mind to think about a conversation where the word banana might even have surfaced. I couldn't. After a moments silence and me looking at him like he had just escaped from the asylum he explained. I wish he hadn't!

"Well Karen, I thought, if we got on really well we could go back to your place and I could watch you, you know, well, watch you ....... with it, with the banana"

"Slice it? Make a sundae out of it? Deep fry it?" I asked.

"Nooooo, silly, I wanted to watch you, well you know, with it, you and it, well you know.... play with it!! And then if we didn't get on, I could give you the banana anyway, and then I would have a mental picture of you, well you know, doing it, so I could, well you know, while I do it later!!"

My mouth dropped open, probably wide enough to take the obscenely large, phallic fruit! I shook my head, told him thanks for the thought but keep the banana and climbed into my car.

At the time I had Recaro racing seats in my car, and we all know they aren't terribly lady like to get in to. So in the process of my escaping he glimpsed a tiny fraction of stocking top again. Standing in the car park in broad daylight, he leaned against his car and started the panting, wheezing, leg rubbing performance again.

"Seriously mate, get in your car if you're gonna do that! Do you need to follow me out of the car park to get home?" What was I thinking being polite?

He climbed into his car and closed the door. I could see his head and shoulders above the door as he wound the window down to say goodbye. "Thanks for the drinks, much appreciated" I said. "Now, do you need to follow me to find your way back to the motorway?" As I was asking I noticed him sliding down, inch by inch his arms and shoulders disappeared until all I could see above the door was his head. He turned to me and shook his head. He clearly couldn't speak.

"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Nothing!" He shook his head frantically.
"What are you doing?"
He grinned.
"Are you wanking? There is a bouncy castle no more than 50 yards away, are you seriously wanking?"
He nodded.
"I can't drive until I've got rid of this." He nodded towards his crotch and grinned.

I can only assume what happened next because I shot out of that car park like Lewis Hamilton chasing a Ferrari off the grid. Thank god for powerful cars, the wheel spin was spectacular and I left dust, and a wanker, in the distance. I had to laugh, the corners of my mouth finally gave in and I laughed so hard I swear a little bit of pee nearly came out.

Moments later I got a text message 'Thanks for meeting me, can't wait to see you again soon!'

I deleted it :)

Maybe thats one reason I don't date single men! :)

Saturday, 16 May 2009

I'm an IT now :)

Following dipping my toe into the world of the media I know not everyone agrees with what I do, but that is to be expected, but there have been some truly vile people in this world who have not only disliked what I have done, but have actually fallen over themselves to be hideous about it. I must admit, if I was a weaker person, and less self assured and confident, I would be affected by it, but I know enough about myself not to take anyones opinion seriously, especially those who are spending their lives criticising others from behind closed doors :)


I got an email from a friend, directing me to a blog (and not a pleasant blog - a truly ignorant, rude and ill informed blog, that actually could be quite dangerous if taken seriously). I'm shocked and saddened that some people out there spend their lives feeling so strongly about things that don't concern them.


I must admit I did laugh about the blog initially, especially when I had been compared to Matt Lucas, but then I continued to read it, and fell upon an article saying Samantha Orobator should be abandoned and left to be shot by the Laos officials. A little harsh I think. Anyway, I thought I'd post my article on here because I thought it was funny, but I'll put up the blog address too, for those who might want to see this mans work, and figure whether he's actually saying what everyone is thinking, or is sitting, no doubt in his bedroom at his mothers house, having never kissed a girl, and angry that no one takes him seriously. Maybe we will read about him one day, when he's gone crazy and shot everyone in his old school!!




Call me a "fat ugly bitch darling" everybody does






According to the Daily Mail



"She is a divorcee who knows first hand the pain that infidelity can cause, yet 42-year-old Karen Marley (below right) still chooses to be an utterly shameless serial mistress"






Oh Yeah? She must be hitting them over the head first then, because we cannot see anyone wanting to buy the fat minger a drink let alone shag it, She's got more chins than a Chinese phone book, fingers like chunky beef sausages, the fashion sense of a fucking grasshopper and no doubt breath that can strip paint.


Frankly it is far more at home tied up in a field munching on a bale of straw rather than lurking around in bedrooms YUK


BTW did anyone else spot the uncanny likeness to "Bubbles De Vere" AKA Matt Lucas.


A quick office poll revealed none of us would want to fuck it OR pay its feed bill,


Its just Wrong!



*************************************************************************



Thanks for your opinion sonny :) lol I guess this makes me an IT girl now :) lol



For those who agree or are curious about this nutter here is the link, happy laughing!! lol


http://smugboard.blogspot.com/

Friday, 15 May 2009

Wives

Wives are funny creatures.

They don't want to have sex with their husbands for weeks or months, but then want to kill the woman who does.

New Blog number 4......

Its ok, I'm not losing my mind and I won't end up with hundreds of blogs, but I realised that I was missing the point a little bit on here, and had actually strayed from the point of this particular blog by throwing up funnies :) I know we all need a laugh so I've decided to start a funny blog with jokes, funnies, and general daily smiles. Anyone who wants to contribute is more than welcome :) Not all of the jokes will be relationship or mistress based, they are just random things that make me smile and will hopefully cheer your day :)

Enjoy

The link is on the main pages of my blogs, and will be Twittered regularly.

For those first visitors, here is the link http://smileymistress.blogspot.com/

Sunday, 10 May 2009

Sorry...

For not blogging much this weekend. Been in a truly shocking mood with everyone after Thursday so I think I'm still sulking. I'll be back to my usual self tomorrow. Maybe its hormones, maybe its withdrawal symptoms, maybe its just realising that some people are generally badly behaved and have no manners. Time to rethink one or two people in my life and change things.

I've always been a big believer that if something isn't making you very happy then it should be eliminated or changed. Either way I think there will be a cleansing session going on in my life and time to find something or someone different.

Watch this space, changing things always create great stories and interesting opinions :)

Friday, 8 May 2009

Talk Sport

Just a short post because its 5am and I'm still up, listening to Talk Sport, after doing about 2 hours on the Adrian Goldberg show. Its been tough, but great fun.

I wanted to welcome my new followers and anyone who enjoyed or hated my interview. If you are curious about me and wanted to know more about what I do and who I am then by all means ask the question, comment on my blog, or Twitter me, good or bad I'll always reply.

Its been an absolute pleasure talking to Adrian, and the callers have been 'interesting' to say the least. I was very pleased to get my say, and cover many aspects of my lifestyle choice. Its very difficult to get across what I do and why in the space of a five minute interview, but over 2 hours it was fascinating to see the different comments, changing (quite dramatically) from very negative with no support, to several pats on the back and offers! :) Clearly it takes a while to get the whole story across and I want to thank Talk Sport and Adrian Goldberg for giving me that opportunity.

Now I need to sign off and hit the sack, its been a very long night. The sun and the birds are up and I've not even got as far as my bed yet! :) I need all the beauty sleep I can get!

I will blog tomorrow night, with far more detail about my interview, and some of the comments received, and subjects that have surfaced today, from the Daily Mail article or my radio appearance.

Night everyone and I welcome my new followers and fans :)

Radio Ulster

I didn't post this link earlier because I was shocked and stunned at the reaction I got during the interview, but hey, I've got to the point now where I'm saying 'sod it' because theres nothing I can do about it. The i player link will run out on Tuesday morning but will still be around for a few days.



Enjoy and tell me what you think :)



http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00k76qg/b00k76pw/The_Stephen_Nolan_Show_05_05_2009/


I'm on from about 1hr 7mins. Its not pleasant, but I suppose I have to take the bad with the good.


Wednesday, 6 May 2009

More press........

I've been heavily criticised for my recent radio appearances but I suppose once you're on the media treadmill you have to get on with it, and just when I think its dying down, there is another article surfacing, one I assumed wasn't going to be used.

Anyway, the link is

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1178134/A-mistress-confesses-Why-I-want-sleep-husband--HE-wants-sleep-me.html

And you're getting it before it hits the presses tomorrow morning.

Let me know what you think, good or bad, and I figure with that awful picture its going to be more bad than good! lol

Saturday, 2 May 2009

Another smile......

Husband and wife...BEFORE MARRIAGE:

Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!

AFTER MARRIAGE: read from bottom to top.

Friday, 1 May 2009

Morning smile :)

The CIA had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists...2 men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another, eight in a row. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Newcastle Link

For all who missed it

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/p002x42k/Mike_Parr_at_Breakfast_01_05_2009/


Scroll along to about 1hr 49 min and smile with the text message received at the end of the interview.

More comments come through the programme, all very entertaining :)

Radio Newcastle

Ha, well that was hilarious.

The 'interview' didn't exactly go as expected, although I did a cracking job of holding my own. The presenter was on a negative slant as soon as he introduced me as the 'Mistress who has slept with 50 married men'. Tut tut. We all know that's not all it is! I wonder if it was guilt making him handle it that way lol.

It seems the interviewers are trying to floor me as sport but they haven't realised that just makes me fight back even harder :)

I'll listen to the interview again before I make any further comment, its always hard to take it all in when its actually happening. But suffice to say, the discussion went on for another 2 hours, so that is a result as far as I'm concerned :)

I'll post a link to i player soon xxxx