Thursday, 30 April 2009

BBC Radio 5 Live Interview

Here's the link to my interview on the radio yesterday.

Its running on i player for 6 days now, after that - unlucky!!!! :)

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00k1ym9/Victoria_Derbyshire_29_04_2009/

Enjoy, would love to hear your comments xx

Effort......

I just received a really cute email from a man who is clearly trying to stand out from the crowd :) Its good that some men are finally learning that making an effort with their mails and their profiles make all the difference :)

Well done Sam, keep up the good work xxx

********************************
His email to me :)



Your eyes

Your eyes - they don't say "come to bed",
They, if you'll beg my pardon,
Say, "Get your kit off straight away,
We'll do it in the garden!"

********************************
His profile :)



Ideal Partner:

Anyone in a similar situation to me who can read the following rubbish without being totally put off! Honest, open-minded and discreet are the adjectives that spring to mind.

General

Nothing ventured, nothing gained,
I find myself on-line,
To find someone, (perhaps it's you?),
With whom to spend some time.

Now here's the bit we all dislike,
I must sell me to you,
I'm tall, dark, handsome, have a plane,
A Porsche and six pack too!

Anyone so full of --it,
Should be left on the shelf,
The quality I most admire,
Is laughing at one's self.

I'm six foot one and slim and fit,
My hair is going grey,
And going thin on top hints at,
Virility - they say!

I'm happy with the way I am,
No major imperfections,
No time spent moisturising or,
On pointless introspection.

But, if true beauty lies within,
The eye of the beholder,
Then, quick! Let's swap some photographs,
Before we get much older!

I don't mind showing mine to you
If you'll show yours to me,
But if you don't like what you see,
Please, let me down gently!

(Terrible, isn't it? Keep going if you can bear it)
I love to read and walk the dog
There's loads of stuff I like,
But two things I can't do without,
And one's my motorbike.

The other you will have to guess,
I don't get much these days,
But there's no rush, I'll be polite,
And let you set the pace.

So if, like me, you want no lies,
No hang-ups, no possession,
And No means no, you want respect,
And absolute discretion;

If you're still wary of this way,
To find a secret lover,
Please get in touch, who knows, we could,
Be good for one another.

I can't believe you've read this far -
You might have strained your eyes.
But can you finish off this verse?
The best one gets a prize!

I love my kids and family life,
Don't want to be an ex,
I sometimes get my tea in bed,
...



This was supposed to be informative and fun but, in the end I'm afraid it probably sounds tacky or, worse still, bloody irritating - like those awful Rupert Bear stories in rhyming couplets.Let me know what you think. If nobody likes it, I'll write something boring!

And, if you choose to drop a line,
I swear I won't reply in rhyme

But if you want, then just for you -
I'll even write a verse or two


You have been warned!

*************************************************

Fab profile :)
Thank you Sam xxxxx

Tuesday, 21 April 2009

Oh no he didn't........

OH yes he did!!

I went out the other night, dinner and drinks with a fabulous man - or so I thought! Marketing manager, talented, intelligent, interesting, funny, kind - or so I thought! Polite, gentlemanly? Not so much, but I assumed he was laid back and not trying too hard to be something he wasn't. I like classy men, men with great manners but I don't like men who force it just because they think its expected. So I accepted him the way he was, I didn't figure bad manners would surface on a first date - or so I thought!

We met in a small village, with just one restaurant, so we decided to grab a bite to eat while we had a drink. He walked in to the building ahead of me, and let the door go in my face. Thanks! I turned towards the bar only to see him make a bee-line for a table and sit down. He waited until I was as dry as a bedouins flip flop and then let me pay for the first drink, not a great start, but then again I'm not obsessed with who pays for what. I guess I'm used to men insisting they pay for drinks but I am absolutely fine paying my way. We sat down and chatted for a little while. The conversation was relatively easy, he was sitting close to me, he was tactile, his body language telling me he was very interested. We had a lot in common, we knew we would find plenty to talk about, and getting to know each other so far had been great fun. What a shame I didn't know what was to come.

Time was passing quickly, so we decided to order food. The menu was simple, some basic home cooked food, some pasta dishes, some slightly more adventurous but nothing that would gain a Michelin star. I asked for the the tagliatelle carbonara, one of my favourites, and he got up to order at the bar - classy place :) I didn't want a starter, I'd seen the size of the portions, good old North Yorkshire pub sizes, and that was more than enough for me :) We chatted some more, and moments later a large plate of garlic bread landed on the table. He pulled it towards himself and proceeded to almost inhale it, I've never seen anyone eat so fast in my life. It wasn't terribly attractive but who am I to judge, it was only fast eating, I could live with that. The garlic bread was a baguette, we all know the type, soft in the middle, with those evil hard ends that, if strategically placed on a track, could actually derail a speeding train! He had not spoken at all while he was eating, and only when he had demolished the centre of the baguette did he look up at me and push the plate towards me saying 'Oops sorry, did you want some?' The ends looked up at me, brown, hard, dry. I politely shook my head and said I didn't want to spoil my appetite for my main course! :) I was disappointed in his behaviour, but still, nothing too shocking for words, just not what I expected.

The plate was collected, and our main courses arrived. He'd ordered the steak and ale pie with chips, his portion was huge, more chips than I've ever seen, a huge portion of pie in a pie pot with a beautiful puff pastry lid, it looked very appetising. My pasta dish was put in front of me, my small pasta dish, my teeny tiny portion of tagliatelle carbonara, one of my favourites. A pixie would have been disappointed with the size of it. I'd seen main courses brought out to other diners and was actually worried I'd have to leave a lot. But no, my plate seemed to have eaten most of the dinner itself, or the chef had taken leave of his senses! I looked across at the next table, then back to my plate, looked at my dates portion and then back to my plate.

'Blimey that's a bit small' I commented, not wanting to sound ungrateful, but concerned and curious as to why I seemed to have been short measured.

'I ordered you the starter size rather than the main course' he offered as an explanation. I looked at him with a puzzled look on my face, needing him to qualify that statement.

'Well I figured you could do with losing a few pounds, so I was going for the 'portion control' method of helping you out!'

My mouth dropped open, I couldn't quite believe what I was hearing. As a healthy and curvy size 14 I didn't realise that I was so unbelievably obese that I needed a total stranger to help me with my dietary requirements!

I realised that I was starting to look odd with my mouth hanging open, so I composed myself, started to eat my dinner and thought 'Please get me out of here as soon as possible!'

I watched him demolish the plateful of food he had. He was shovelling the pastry and meat into his mouth, forcing in 3 or 4 chips at a time, not even swallowing before the next forkful was on its way towards the gaping hole. Moments later his chips were swimming in gravy, the meat had disappeared and there was no longer any evidence to say pastry had even made it onto his plate that night. At this point he put his fork down.

I was still picking my way through my dinner, my appetite lessening with every glance across the table. Watching him eat was like swallowing the biggest diet pill on the market. I thought he had finished, his fork was down, chips and gravy remained on his plate. I was about to put my fork down when the next exciting installment in this date from hell occurred. He picked up 3 chips with his fingers, mopped up his gravy and shovelled them into his mouth. He sucked his fingers clean, slurping and licking up every last drop, and repeated the process until all the chips had gone. But, horror of horrors, there was still gravy on the plate. I was clearly praying to 'The Deaf Dating God' that night. My god, the one who had saved me from many a scrape, and made the occasional bad mannered man redeem himself, was not listening to me. I prayed not to let me see what happened next, for the slurping gravy fingers to be the final nightmare, but no, he didn't hear my prayer, but he heard my silent screams inside as I watched my date, in slow motion, pick up the plate, tip it towards him and lick, yes lick, each and every drop of gravy from the plate.

His face finally reappeared from behind the plate several moments later, when in fact the plate could have been returned to the kitchen cupboard, it was THAT clean. But his face hadn't escaped unscathed. He had gravy on the end of his nose, he had a gravy outline around his mouth, and he had gravy on his chin. The features that, up until that very minute, I hadn't realised, protruded as much as they did. In my quest not to be shallow I hadn't taken his looks into consideration, he was attractive in so many other ways, but that relatively attractive, intelligent man had suddenly, before my very eyes, turned into the love child of Quasimodo and Neanderthal woman!

I opened my mouth to speak but words failed me. I wanted to tell him he had gravy on his face but I didn't get the chance. His right arm/sleeve beat me to it, as he swept it across his mouth like a 5 year old.

I shook my head and smiled.

I checked my watch and made my apologies and said I had to leave. I didn't, I had another 2 hours free to spend with the funny, intelligent man I had met online. The charmer, the 'manager', the football fan, the comedian - or so I thought! I got up and turned to get my coat. 'Hang on' he said, 'I'll come with you.' I assumed that meant he would be leaving too. I had no idea in his head he was meaning 'Hang on, I'll come and try my luck to finish a perfect night'.

He walked ahead of me and let the door go in my face, again! We got outside, and, because I've been brought up properly, I thanked him for dinner (hoping he had paid for it when he ordered it and we hadn't just done a runner), thanked him for coming to meet me, and headed towards my car. He followed.

I got as far as the drivers door and he pinned me against the side of the car. The smell of gravy on his breath was overpowering, I felt like I as being accosted by a walking, talking Oxo cube. 'So how about a snog and a grope?' he asked. My mouth, once again, fell open. I couldn't believe he could be so uncouth. I pushed him away and said 'Thanks, mate, but I really do need to go home, and I came to meet you, not to get felt up by you!'

I turned to get into my car and he grabbed my arm 'Well sod the snog, how about the grope?' I didn't know how many more signs I could give a man to say 'Thanks but no thanks' so I turned to him and said 'I would, but your fingers stink of gravy', hopped into my car and shut the door before he could respond. I left him stood in the car park, his mouth now doing the gaping, and drove off. I looked in my mirror just at the right time to see him bring his fingers to his nose and sniff them!

A lot of things are acceptable, most things I can tolerate, but some things, even fairly shallow, minor things, can be a complete deal breaker! Needless to say I won't be suffering another episode of that, even though 10 minutes after driving away I got a text message reading 'A pleasure meeting you babe, can't wait to see you again, I've had a great time'.

Men really are from Mars :)

Sunday, 19 April 2009

Lotharios.....

I normally meet men on the Internet, that is what I do best and I get to know 'the person' before I am subjected to his dreadful flirting skills or bad manners, but on occasions I am approached 'in the real world' and I am concerned at how many confident Lotharios are out there, using Dutch courage to approach women.

I was sitting alone in a crowded, noisy bar the other day. I was reading a book and sipping a drink, occasionally glancing at my watch. I was waiting for my friend and it was obvious I was busy. Nearby, a group of red-faced, middle-aged men in suits were getting stuck into their third or fourth round of drinks. They had been getting steadily louder and more raucous. Once in a while, one of them would glance over to check me out, then turn back and make a comment to his pals, then they would guffaw with drunken laughter. I was making heroic efforts to ignore them. Eventually, to my horror, one of them got up.

'Oh please god no, please don't come over' I thought to myself. I hoped he was just going to the loo, but no, he was heading my way. The group fell silent as he swaggered towards me. I braced myself.

'Did it hurt?' he asked
'I'm sorry?'
'Did it hurt?' he repeated, slightly louder this time. I could hear his friends sniggering like Beavis and Butthead. 'When you fell from heaven.'
There was a long, embarrassed pause, I couldn't believe he'd actually used that line. I tried to be polite.
'Look, I don't mean to be rude, but I'm waiting for a friend and....'
'Oh come on darlin', don't be like that, come and have a drink with us.' Clearly he didn't know when no meant no.
'I'm really, really not interested, thanks for asking though.' I got up to walk away, annoyed that my peace had been disturbed.
As I was about to turn my back I heard 'Suit yourself pet, you don't know what you're missing!' I smiled to myself, I knew exactly what I was missing, and if I hadn't been in heels I would have been running from it.

He staggered back to his friends, shrugging his shoulders and grinning inanely. His pals chortled and guffawed once more and I distinctly heard the phrases 'Must be a lesbian' and 'Not that good looking anyway'.

Sadly this scenario is played out in every bar the length and breadth of the country almost every day of the week.

Flirting is good, it is an essential human interaction and without it nobody would ever get together and the human race would die out. Men and women have been making eyes at each other over the campfire and asking 'Your cave or mine?' since time began. But why, in this day and age, when we are bombarded with flirting techniques from every magazine, newspaper and television channel, when there are entire books and websites devoted to the art of the pickup, must women still have to put up with these ham-fisted, embarrassingly inappropriate attempts at seduction? A little finesse, gentlemen, please. Its not rocket science.

When you speak to us, look us in the eye. If you really fancy us, a glance at our mouths every now and then works wonders. But, please, keep your eyes above our necks. We love our breasts too. They are womanly and attractive and biologically very handy. They are indeed wondrous things, but they have not yet mastered the art of conversation, they won't reply to you, no matter how persistent you are.

Whistling is for dogs and the Von Trapp children, not for us. We are not dogs. What do you think is going to happen when you whistle piercingly at a woman in the street? Do you think she will march over, smile seductively and say 'Well, hello to you too, handsome. What are you doing tonight?' If one day the impossible should happen and a woman actually responded in such a manner, you would probably fall over in shock, and that would be a good thing.

If you're going to approach a woman in a bar make sure the manoeuvre hasn't got an audience, please don't smell like you've just licked the floor clean in the Black Sheep Brewery, and be in control of your bodily functions, including the amount of spit being produced in your slurring, drunken mouth. We have to tolerate you saying things to us uninvited, we don't want the same amount of words spraying on us.

If she turns you down it is NOT because she is a lesbian, she probably has good taste, or is already getting far more from someone else, who is, no doubt, sober, attractive and polite.

******************************

And for my lady followers, a timely, well-delivered, none-to-subtle slap-down is often the only way to ensure the would be suitors get the message loud and clear.

He says: If I could see you naked I'd die happy.
You reply: If I could see you naked I'd die laughing.

He says: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put I and U together.
You reply: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put F and U together.

He says: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
You reply: Yeah, that's probably why I don't go there anymore.

He says: So, you wanna go back to my place?
You reply: Well I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

He says: Is this seat empty?
You reply: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

He says: I'd like to call you, what's your number?
You reply: Its in the phone book.
But he persists: But I don't know your name.
Deliver the final blow: That's in the phone book too.

And if all else fails, and he's decided to talk to your breasts, paying no attention to your face, and not hearing that you're really not interested, get down on your knees in front of him, and talk to his cock, maybe he will hear you say 'No' then.

Happy Flirting :)

A Spanish lesson .......

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

  1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
  2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
  3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval
  4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it

The women's group, however, concluded that 'computer' should be masculine ('el computador'), because:

  1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
  2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
  3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
  4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.

The women won!

Friday, 17 April 2009

Another additon 2 .......

I've decided to have my Serial Mistress blog for the normal blogging, views, funnies, questions, interesting facts and general musings, the Agony Mistress blog is for any problems or issues anyone has with regard to affairs, illicit encounters and relationships, and I'm creating the X Rated Mistress for more 'detailed' posts about my own encounters, past, present or future. I'd love you to follow all three and of course contribute in any way you would like. I love your comments, I love your emails and I love your support. The X Rated version of my blog will be created over the next couple of days but I'd love to hear suggestions for the name of it. X Rated just seems a bit 'boring' :)

So, Serial Mistress, Agony Mistress and ???????? Mistress, what's it to be? :)

Thursday, 16 April 2009

Nine Words Women Use.....

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

  1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
  2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the match before helping around the house.
  3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
  4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
  5. Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
  6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
  7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . That will bring on a 'whatever').
  8. Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying she would like you to go away and never come back!
  9. Don't worry about it, I've got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3. *

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

My new addition.......

http://agonymistress.blogspot.com/

I have decided to start a new blog to run alongside my current one.

Since I have started this journey talking about my lifestyle and my experiences I have been emailed with several questions relating to all things 'Illicit'. I have decided, therefore, to offer an outlet for people who are having some problems with their affairs, be it emotional, logistical, physical or sexual. I hope my current followers will follow my new blog, and possibly share any problems they might have experienced, in order to help others.

I have had permission from those who have contacted me already to reproduce their original questions and my subsequent answers. I hope this helps anyone currently struggling with their choices, or even just the logistical problems involved in hiding their affairs.

Please feel free to follow and certainly to contribute.

I look forward to hearing from you all xxxxxx

On a lighter note......

To Be 6 Again...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,

'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

Mortified........

But it was to be expected.

It was only going to be a matter of time before it happened, my lifestyle seen through the eyes of a man doing what I do, but has he been criticised? No.

Because, we've always found in this country - a man who sleeps around or looks for no strings fun is a stud, a hero, a man to be patted on the back, (or in this case is helping the married women he sleeps with) but a woman who lives her life as she wants to, not necessarily sleeping around, but dating men, married or single, seeing who she wants when she wants, is criticised, slated and denounced as a home wrecker, a tart, a gold digger, a bitch. How does this happen? Why does this happen?

I thought in this day and age, with women being far more sexually liberated, and able to make her own life choices, she wouldn't bear the brunt of peoples anger towards Illicit Encounters, affairs or flings, but sadly that isn't the case.

Admittedly the article I'm referring to is very well written, much better than the article I appeared in, and there seems to be no 'sensationalism' surrounding his story. It makes me wonder if its because he's a man, because he's sold it as 'helping the women' or because he's drop dead gorgeous and a model?

http://www.fabulousmag.co.uk/features/feature_save_marriage_062.php

I wish Daniel all the luck in the world with his chosen path, and his lifestyle matches mine almost to the letter, but I will always be seen as the home wrecker, and he will always be seen as the charitable, caring man doing the sad married women a favour.

I thought times had changed, and we had all become more broadminded, liberated and free, but it seems this will always be the case - One rule for the him and another for her.

Monday, 13 April 2009

Lifestyle.........

I've had a fantastic few weeks, meeting a couple of new people who are just amazing and will be friends for a very long time, catching up with a couple of guys I used to know but lost touch, and the press and blog have brought them back into my life, feeling much better about other things that have been going on in my life, and getting more work done than I anticipated, which is always a bonus.

This lifestyle wouldn't suit everyone, and a few friends have questioned my strength and motive for living this way, but I am thoroughly enjoying myself at the moment, can honestly say I am happy and I love everything about my life right now. I look around me and see the death and destruction of relationships, the sadness of break ups, the heartache of boredom and disappointment that this is 'how its going to be', the defeat in the faces of those I love when they realise their lives are as good as they will ever get, friends aging and trying desperately to hold onto their looks, fear of being alone, and those looking for something more, hunting, risking everything, for that thrill, the thrill that will make them, once again, feel alive.

It saddens me that the way of the world right now is breeding this discontent, finances are in a dire state, the need for material goods is overtaking lifes simple pleasures, people are less tolerant of others faults, it is easy to find a temporary way out from the misery, but almost impossible to escape permanently, with people trapped in their situations, no way out. That's when I realise that my life is actually an attractive alternative, although most couldn't imagine living that way, I am sure many would love to give it a chance, to swap what they have, even for a few hours.

So if anyone ever reads my blog and decides to judge or criticise, I hope you will look at how truly happy you are now, right now this minute, and if you can honestly condemn me for my lifestyle if your own isn't that rosy? We are here for a very short time, shouldn't we find happiness any way we can, even if its not 'conventional'?

Saturday, 11 April 2009

Chatting up men......

I am sometimes asked by women how I manage to date great men, how, once I've attracted them on the site, I manage to get to the point of meeting them, and always find the good guys. I had a good think about this and figured it must be my approach, my forthright attitude, my confidence and I'm not shy or terrified of rejection. That clearly comes across, even in the form of typing on the net. While I was thinking about it I came upon an article that actually proves chatting up men is a science. Researchers are now studying the subject, so it must be important and true :) I thought I'd share their findings with you, and see if you guys agreed with it and had any advice for the girls who read my blog :)

*******

Forget shy smiles and pointed small talk - the way to a man's heart is by giving him no room to misunderstand your intentions. Men favour a direct, no-nonsense approach when being chatted up by women.

A recent study found that simple lines, such as 'Fancy dinner?' or 'Can I give you my number?' avoid confusion and thus have more success. The researchers, from Bucknell University in Pennsylvania, said that men find it hard to 'read' hints, even if they are accompanied by flirty body language. The scientists asked a group of women for their top chat-up lines. They took the 50 most common answers and asked 70 men and women how well they thought they would work.

Men found a direct approach, such as an invitation to dinner or the cinema, the most appealing.
Exchanges of phone numbers scored next best with the male volunteers, followed by indirect invitations, including 'Do you have plans later?' and 'What are you up to tonight?'

The women also rated the direct approach the most highly - but were also impressed with those lines which were designed to pin down common interests. Supposedly humorous lines, such as 'Your shirt matches my bedspread - you belong in my bed', fared poorly, the journal Personality and Individual Differences reported.

But absolutely bottom of the pack were smiles and openers such as 'You look familiar. Have I met you before?' Psychologist Dr Joel Wade said: 'The direct indication of a possible date as well as the hint of a possible date gives the man a clear signal - instead of sending mixed non-verbal signals that the man must decipher.' He added that straightforward suggestions removed any 'uncertainty regarding the outcome of the interaction'.

However, any woman looking for long-term love might want to think twice about offering her phone number to strange men - because they might view her as more interested in a fling. Surprisingly, for men looking to chat up women, talking about the weather seems to be a surefire hit. An earlier study found that the line 'It's hot today, isn't it? It's the best weather when you're training for a marathon', is the perfect way for a man to show off his intelligence and athletic prowess. The worst line for men was 'I was wondering if you had space in your bag for my Mercedes keys?'

The best chat up lines for women to use on men:
  • Fancy dinner?
  • Can I give you my number?
  • Do you have plans later?
  • What are you up to tonight?
  • Your place or mine?

And the worst:

  • Hello, how's it going?
  • Have I met you before? You look familiar.
  • Where have you been all my life?
  • Your shirt matches my bedspread: you belong in my bed.
  • That's a dangerous place you're standing in - because I'm having trouble controlling my urges.

Personal Ads.....

This is to show that women have a sense of humour and can dish it out about ourselves just as much as the men can throw it at us :) But I thought it might help the guys on IE looking for their perfect woman :)

Women's Personal Ads

40 ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious smile - Takes a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Fun - Annoying
New age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very fat
Large frame - Hugely fat
Wants soul mate - Stalker

Feel free to add your own on to the list :)

Friday, 10 April 2009

Zen Teachings.....

  1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
  2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.
  3. No one is listening until you fart.
  4. Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.
  5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
  7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.
  8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
  10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
  11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
  12. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
  13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
  14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.
  15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
  17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning anything when your lips are moving.
  18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  19. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... its downhill from there.
  20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Cop out .......

Sorry for the funnies, but sometimes a girl just can't resist a smile while she's concocting the next episode of her blog :)

Thursday, 9 April 2009

Ladies over 40......

For all those women over 40 who need a smile and all those men who just don't appreciate older women :)


In case you missed it on '60 Minutes', this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:

60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. They know everything!

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. She knows how everything works and how to work it.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

Sunday, 5 April 2009

Good or bad boys.......

According to the ancient art of face reading apparently its easy to spot a good boy or a bad boy, a cheater or a stayer. I'm not so sure, but it was interesting reading all the same. I wonder if the married men who follow my blog would agree with some of this? :)
  1. Bad boy - Cold eyes - If he's got a cold, steely gaze then he's the predatory type. He enjoys the thrill of the chase and won't let anything stop him getting what he wants.
  2. Good boy - Twinkly eyes - Men with sparkly eyes that crinkle at the corners or laughter lines indicate that he's warm, friendly and isn't afraid of showing his emotions.
  3. Bad boy - Thin lips - Men with thin lips tend to be more interested in sex than emotions. If his top lip is thinner than his bottom lip, he'll struggle to commit to just one woman.
  4. Good boy - Full lips - Full, rounded lips show that he's caring, sensitive and good at communicating his feelings. He also generous with his time – and his money!
  5. Bad boy - Watery eyes - If he has watery eyes, then this guy only wants to get a woman into bed! He's motivated by lust rather than love, so never expects more than a one-night stand.
  6. Good boy - Large, bright eyes - If he's got large, bright eyes then he's perfect boyfriend material! Men with eyes like this tend to be open, honest and caring – which makes them good fathers, too.
  7. Bad boy - Thin face - A long, thin face shows that he's single-minded and stubborn and won't always consider her thoughts and feelings. In other words, he's totally selfish!
  8. Good boy - Broad face - Love and relationships are very important to men with broad faces and full cheeks, and they will happily commit when they meet Miss Right.
  9. Bad boy - Pointed hairline - If his hairline is shaped into a point he's probably very popular with the ladies – and he's a natural flirt who will struggle to resist their attention.
  10. Good boy - Straight hairline - A straight hairline and rectangular-shaped forehead shows that he's thoughtful and well balanced. This is a man who won't mess a woman around.
  11. Bad boy - Big, bushy eyebrows - Big, bushy eyebrows indicate that he has high testosterone levels – and a high sex drive to match. He's driven by lust and always looking for his next conquest.
  12. Good boy - Moon shaped eyebrows - Light, curved moon-shaped eyebrows suggest that he is thoughtful and considerate. He's the traditional type and marriage and children are important to him.
  13. Bad boy - Big ears - The bigger his ears, the more willing he is to take risks. If his ears are large he gets a thrill out of danger – which means he's more likely to cheat on a woman.
  14. Good boy - Small, well-shaped ears mean that he's a good listener and will always think before he acts. He wants a happy, comfortable life and someone to share it with.
  15. Bad boy - Square chin - A man with a square chin is very competitive and loves a challenge. He never gives up until he gets what he wants, but then he's easily bored and fickle.
  16. Good boy - A man who has a defined jaw-line with a chin that isn't too big or too small shows he's open-minded, considerate and easygoing – the perfect man!

Interesting, but is it true ? :)

Balance of power.......

My lifestyle is different, different from my friends lives, different from the norm, different from the expected and at the moment it is suiting me very well.

I have spent most of my dating life stressing over men, whether they will call, whether they like me, whether they are going to be around in a week, a month, a year, and whether they actually want me. Just as I see my friends now, worrying about what his lack of communication means, why he won't meet her friends, why he's 'working so hard', why it feels like he's so busy he must be running the world, why the gym is more important than a date, why the football takes priority, and why the excuses seem plentiful, I realise there is an uneven balance of power in most relationships. Women are, by nature, the submissive sex, they are patient, more tolerant and understanding, therefore the power tends to be with the man, when he wants sex he will make the effort, when he doesn't need sex everything on the planet takes priority over his woman, and because of that women worry, stress and end up feeling pathetic for being so needy and not knowing where they stand.

With my lifestyle the balance of power has shifted. I've not turned into a heartless bitch who has no feeling, and I am not a Puppetmaster, controlling my suitors, but the days of me worrying, stressing and being pathetic are long gone. If a man doesn't contact me then that's his loss, if a man is so unbelievably busy with work then I will be entertaining myself elsewhere, with someone who has made time for me, if a man shows unacceptable behaviour then he doesn't get a chance to beg and plead and make me feel guilty for objecting to it. Because I'm not reliant on one man to make me happy I am not in the difficult position most of my friends find themselves in. I don't have to compromise, settle, or sacrifice, I choose the most amazing men to date, I choose the men I have a lot in common with, the men who are cultured, intelligent, fun and exciting, and adding to that I have my single time, my alone time, that I absolutely love. A lot of women find it hard to be alone, but I relish it. I have the best of both worlds, and I also have regained a lot of the control that women lose when they are in a relationship.

My friends are happy in their relationships, they may moan and whinge about their partners, everyone does, but they, like all women in the world, are stressing about what his behaviour means. I've learnt not to worry about his behaviour, men are simple creatures, and if he's too busy to see me, then that's surely his loss ;)

I believe we should be living our lives with more reasons to smile than frown, and, although my lifestyle doesn't suit everyone, and many disapprove of how I live my life, I can honestly say I smile more than I frown.

Saturday, 4 April 2009

Crossing the line..........

Further to the 'annoying' texts in the middle of the night, and subsequent dumping in my previous blog, thankfully all went quiet. This was just what I hoped for, and, as a married man I figured he'd have the sense to let it lie there.


Sadly he didn't. Why will men never learn? Married men shouldn't cause grief for their lover, she doesn't deserve it. Married men should never cross the line of decency and good manners because she doesn't deserve it. And married men should never be hideous, inconsiderate and just plain rude because she doesn't deserve it. That 'she' being me on this occasion? He really should have learned not to mess with me! :) Intelligent, strong willed, feisty women are the LAST people a married man should mess with lol.


My god, I sound like Glenn Close, that won't do me any favours, but let me give you the background.


I got a text message this afternoon reading 'I got yr nmba off a guy in the pub who sed u may be up for a bit of sxy fun tday, are ya?'


After composing myself for a moment, appalled at the suggestion, and even more so at the 'txt spk', shaking with anger, I asked who had given him my number. It turns out it was the dumpee from two days ago. This man is married, two kids, very big house, and his wife runs a hairdressers from the barn conversion next to his home.

He took it upon himself to give a total stranger my number. Not only did he give him my number but he said I would be a 'good time'. I'm so livid I do believe I've actually gone pink, I look like I've been lying on a sunbed all day. I'm furious. I told this guy that he was being wound up, and if he liked 'hairy arsed blokes' then I'd be up for a good time in an hour. Naturally he declined the offer and said he was sorry for the text. He followed that up with a text saying 'Sorry agen fella, i'l arange 2 meet this guy nd nok fuk outa him'. Ahh how sweet! I should let him :)

As an intelligent woman, who refuses to stoop as low as this idiot, I am not one for revenge. Revenge is childish and to be honest I have more dignity than to cause any grief. However, it would take an inconsiderate, ridiculous act like his to quickly turn an unstable woman into the bunny boiling psycho we all aim to avoid.

I didn't, however, roll over and accept his unforgivable behaviour. You'll be pleased to know I called him (on a weekend!!! oh my goodness, what was I thinking?). He was in the middle of mowing the lawn when he answered, the wife literally 10 ft away pulling up weeds. I told him to listen to me, not to hang up or I would just keep calling at 'unfortunate' times. Bless him, he did as he was told. I calmly, with a couple of very unladylike expletives, told him never to contact me again, to delete my number, and to never, NEVER give my number to a total stranger again. I reminded him how outrageous actions like that were, and that he had far more to lose than I did. My parting shot was a 'suggestion' that if I heard anything from him again I would need to be travelling to his town for a hair cut!!!!! :) I said it could be anytime I chose, and when he least expected it. The silence was deafening, and I smiled to myself :)

I would never, ever dream of disturbing his wedded bliss, I have better things to do with my time. I have never, and would never, get involved in any part of a mans marriage, idiots like him would do enough damage eventually, without my help. Men who are married need to be sensible, firstly about hiding their behaviour, but secondly about limiting the chances of damage by choosing the right woman. Obviously some relationships don't work out, especially if the man is going to be thoughtless, but I can't imagine what he was thinking when he was handing out my number. I do think 'suggestion' can be more terrifying than actual revenge, because now he's going to wondering if and when I might/may/possibly turn up at his wifes salon for a new 'do' and a chat :)

WE all know I never will, but HE doesn't!

I know I've probably been outrageous by suggesting it but quite frankly a man like that should be given a little shake, and hopefully I've prevented him from giving out numbers in the pub in future, saving the next woman in his life from the ridiculous texts at 4 in the morning and total strangers asking for a 'gud time'!! :)

Thursday, 2 April 2009

Rules.........

I know, as a mistress, I have to abide by certain rules, rules laid down in stone by the married man. Don't call me after 5. Don't text me at the weekend. Don't make any marks on me. Don't contact me till I contact you. Don't wear perfume when I see you. Don't expect me to be around for evenings if I have said daytime only. Don't leave any blonde hairs in my car when you get out of it. Don't get lipstick on my suit. Don't expect too much from me - I'm married, and many more. Those are all rules I'm more than happy to abide by, after all I'm a mistress and I know the rules, backwards!

I understand a married man has a lot to lose, and the mistress has to know her place in his life, and not be reckless enough to cause him any stress or hassle. If he is her only lover then he knows he can make rules that she will happily work with, but what is the situation when his mistress is conducting more than one affair?

Why am I now mentioning this? As a mistress I must be used to the rules. You're right, I am, and I am more than happy to abide by his rules, but when does a married man abide by mine. Whats the old phrase - whats good for the goose is good for the gander?

I'm exhausted today because I received a very explicit, suggestive text message at 4.15 this morning. I ignored it. I got another even more explicit text message at 4.18. I ignored it. I was in a deep sleep at the time and, although I'd picked the phone up, I had just dropped it back down again. At 4.25, just as I'm nodding off again my mobile rings. I reject the call, roll over and go back to sleep. Its 4.35 in the morning, I'm dead to the world, starting to get a little bit annoyed but thinking it will have stopped now, after all he's married and this is very odd behaviour. At 4.40 my land line rings, I pick it up and hear him immediately start talking very explicitly (something I don't normally object to with a lover but at that time of the day??? hmm). At no point did he consider my feelings, my sleep pattern or whether I had company. It was all about him and his needs and the fact that he'd managed to sneak out of bed and go to the lounge to call me. I was supposed to be grateful!!!

Needless to say, words were exchanged and I told him I'd ring later in the morning, which I did. More words were exchanged, and because of his selfish attitude and complete disregard or consideration for who else could have been with me, we have now parted company. His argument was, and this is a classic, "You're single Karen, you should be available any time I want you, and what can I possibly be disturbing? I got up in the middle of the night just to talk to you!"

I would NEVER have called him in his bed when he is lying with his wife. I would NEVER have texted him after 5pm never mind at 5am. I would NEVER have started an erotic conversation with a man who was fast asleep and getting up for work 2 hours later. So why was it ok to do that to me? Thankfully I wasn't otherwise engaged, I was sleeping alone, but even so it was incredibly invasive and annoying.

This is not the first time a man has taken liberties, so to speak, texting or calling or even turning up at my house at inopportune moments, but apparently, because I'm single, its acceptable. I know there are some selfish men in this world, and some who have no social skills, manners or restraint, but do married men actually think like that when they are dating a single woman? Is she supposed to be 'available' for him anytime he wants?

Suffice to say another has bitten the dust, and to be honest I'm more than happy about it, because as 'available' as I like to make myself when I'm with a man, the beauty of my lifestyle is my time is my own when I'm not actually on a date. Guys like their space to be with their families, and I like my space to do my own thing, which is why dating married men suits me so well, but when the line is crossed.............

Rules are great, when everyone understands the boundaries, but it should never be one rule for him and another rule for the single girl who is there to make his life more pleasurable 'occasionally' not every minute of every day! :)

Wednesday, 1 April 2009

Interesting....

What a day I had. Doubt I could ever get used to this, and all the celebrities in this world are welcome to it! :)


I have to admit the photographer was fantastic, very easy to work with, and who knows what the pics will come out like. The makeup artist was nuts, and that adds to the experience. Four hours for outfit changes, make up, fannying with hair and several photos, and by the end of it I was exhausted. They are working on Kerry Katona today, so fingers crossed I was easier to work with :)


I still have to pinch myself that any of this is happening to me, but although I'm leaving myself wide open (so to speak) for criticism, I'm figuring that all publicity is good publicity, and if I bring this subject to the fore then I will be happy, and like I've said before, creating debate (hopefully not masturbate) is only a good thing. If I am Marmite, either loved or hated, then so be it. Marmite seems to be doing well from it :)

I'm blogging later, with a few things that came up over the past couple of days and I'm looking forward to sharing with you, but for now I need to enjoy my breakfast, in the sun and wish you all a lovely day.

xxxx